The End and The Beginning

     Oh world. My sweet little Earth. You are so big and I am so small. 365 full rotations. What a difference that time has made. As I write this I get a little twinge, a little like homesickness, and a little like grief. This is the end of this "Time." My "Time." The end of this blog. Hundreds of revelations and truths came to light at the very tips of my fingers. It has brought understanding to others, and revelation and healing to myself. I am done with it. I want to be done. Im tired. I wan't to write about other things. My life as a mom and a wife, as a photographer. As a healed human. Or, at least, almost healed. I owe you and myself this last entry. Closure. Honesty and finality. Thank you everyone for your support. If you are reading this I assume that you have made it here with me and have not judged me or tossed me aside as so many have. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. 


     In August of 2011, I broke. I spent the next four months struggling to put the pieces back together. I thought I was trying to win some race. I felt pressured. Most of this time I don't remember too well. Just the feelings of it.

     In January, I officially started my "Hiatus." A literal break from life. It was heartbreaking but I felt like I needed to heal "Alone." I moved in with my parents and left my husband. It hurt him more than I think I will ever understand. Words could not express to him what I needed to do, and I don't think anyone really understood. I love him so, but I needed to do this in my own way, in my own time. 


JANUARY 2012

     Blank. Nothing. My dad could not deal with me and my daughter being at the house, so he left to stay at the RV on the coast. My heart broke again. The month was spent tenderly trying to deal with that, and hold onto my husband from a distance. I turned 29. Uneventful. Mornings were spent drinking coffee with my mom and brother. Evenings were spent eating together and watching Breaking Bad. An ice and snow storm ravaged our town. The power went off, then on, then off.... You could stand outside and hear fireworks crackling, only it wasn't fireworks; It was trees breaking under the weight of the ice. I loved it. I loved the destruction, the uncertainty, the aloneness. I loved how it felt to imagine what having to survive with nothing felt like. Took a job doing tattoo photography. Beyond that, nothing else was of importance that month. 

         

FEBRUARY

     I moved to Hood River. To a very small house. I don't remember moving in. Five things stand out this month. 

1) I had two bean bags for furniture and that was it.
2) I went back to work. It went VERY badly. I confronted a friend and co-worker whom had cut themselves off from me almost immediately after my break last August. This wasn't just any friendship. I won't go into more detail here, but I wrote a poem* (1) about it. I made it two days only. I went back on medical leave. 
3) My daughter was hardly ever there, and it killed me. It was for the best.
4) The police came to my house twice. I had cut myself so badly both of these times. I was so ashamed.   
Michael and Saul came one time, and Michael and Andy came the next. They were warm and comforting. As far as I could tell, no judgement. They saved me.
5) I went to an impatient program for depression and anxiety. Quite possibly the best thing I have ever done for myself.


MARCH


     I got back from treatment. One of my friends from treatment came to stay with me. My cat Valor was certified as a companion pet and moved in with me.  I started seeing a different psychiatrist, the same one i saw in my teens when I was struggling with ADD. My dear friend came to me in the middle of the night after I had cut myself. She just snuggled with me in bed. She was there for me, and still is. 
Then it's just nothing...

Valor

My beautiful friend

APRIL


     I don't remember much. Two of my other friends from treatment came to see me twice I believe. It is amazing how in two weeks i managed to form some of the most meaningful relationships of my life. I struggled when they left. I still only had my daughter for two days out of the week. I felt her slipping away and growing up before my eyes. I cut myself. I would rather feel anything besides the heartbreak I was feeling over her. I walked myself to the hospital, bleeding, and walked myself home, like it was nothing. My aunt came to stay with me. We talked a lot and did a bit of pampering. I started going to an EBT*(2) group. It was not for me. 

Nails done!

 My aunt getting her first tattoo!

My beloved friends

MAY


     I started a new medication, Lamotrigine* (3) Let me preface this by saying that in previous months I had been taking up to ten different meds a day, in different combinations. Obviously nothing worked. This new medication became my main treatment med. It was an anti-seizure drug, with very promising results in mood dissorders. Lucky for me, it also was used for migraines! We started tapering off my other meds. By the end of the month I had planned the most amazing 4th birthday party for my daughter. All of her friends came, and along with them, some of my friends. This was my first social gathering. I took my first photography job in a long while, a wedding. 

 Talula turns 4!

One of my favorite shots from the wedding.

JUNE


     I had my daughter with me as much as I could. She stayed with my husband once or twice a week. I was and still am very protective of her. I rarely let her out of my sight. My husband and I tried to spend more time with each other, as much as we could. I was still closed off. Not loving myself really affected how I loved someone else. I needed more time. I was not going to let the idea of US vanish into thin air. I was GOING to get better. But when? I could not give him an answer. 

Talula and Valor

JULY


     Tuesdays were days specifically set aside for me and my mom. My doctors appointments were every Tuesday in The Dalles. She would drop me off at the doctor and then she would take my daughter to the park. My psychiatrist is amazing. He's been doing this for years and I think that is what sets him apart from the psychiatrist I was previously seeing. I had too much in common with my other doc. He was close to my age and we talked about film making a lot. I knew him too personally, if that makes any sense. The great thing about my new doc is I know next to nothing about him. It makes our time valuable and affective. I know he plays music with a friend of mine and I choose not to go see them play. I want to keep it as impersonal as possible. Everything he says makes sense to me. Like this path was slowly being lit up in front of me. I was down to two meds only. What a difference. After my appointment we would go to the Humane Society, something I had been doing for several months now.   
It was a different kind of therapy for me. Spent some time in Wenatchee with my aunts and mom. Nice vacation. I quit my job. I had been off work for a year on medical leave already and it was time to move on anyway. Spent a lot of time with my parents new dog, playing in the water. I was starting to notice beautiful things again. I savored every rainfall, every thunderstorm. I ate it up. I was feeling close to nature again. Loving its energy. 

 Kali in the water

 Wenatchee

 Home at Last Humane Society

Tuesdays with mom

AUGUST


     Annual family trip to the Lake. Exactly one year since my "break." Last year I went alone with my daughter. It was terrible. I felt sick and anxious the whole time, I missed my mom, dad, and husband. My dad had recently had heart surgery and was too sick to come. My mom stayed behind to take care of him. I was determined to go. I told myself I needed to go. It was aweful. I ended up driving home a day early in the middle of the night. This year was almost magical. I will never forget sitting by the shore with my family and watching my dad walk up behind us and stand at the edge of the water with my grandma. He was different. We were all different. I was different. We reminisced a lot about how the year had changed me. I was still skeptical when they said I was better. I felt better but I still had bad days, bad hours. I still didn't live with my husband. I still was terrified of certain things. I clung tightly to my family, my mother especially. I was so dependent. I went to an art show of a dear friend. My first social outing. My husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. Such a fun day. I was still trying to find the guts to be affectionate. I felt like a fool. Kind of like a first date. It was hell of a great day. 

 Art by Nate Chavez

Our wedding day

SEPTEMBER


     I thought about going to school. Then I dismissed it all together. Not mentally ready for that commitment. My dad and I got in a fight about how much money my parents had spent helping me out. I was fully aware of this fact and felt awful every day about it. He acted like it was nothing to me. I was furious and heartbroken. I remember quitting all the Words With Friends games we had going.  He fell ill and was hospitalized the next day. He apologized to me in an email. He knew he was wrong. He told me he wanted to start teaching me metal smithing, something he had been doing for years. I won a photography contest. That was a great ego boost. I used the money I won to go see my grandma. She is one of my best friends. It was hard for her to see me struggle, and she was so happy to see how far I had come. I started volunteering at The Humane Society, taking pictures of the adoptable dogs. I had a big garage sale and gave all the money to my parents. A tiny drop in an ocean of debt to them. Went on the home tour with my mom, something we've been doing every year for awhile now. I found our that several members of my husband's family had written me off. Ouch. And that brought me down again. 

winning photo in the paper

Garage sale

OCTOBER


     Still reeling from the sadness of loosing my husbands family, I tried to distract myself. I had the tools I needed to continue on with life, but I admit I had moments I wanted to just punish myself. Mom and I took T to the Zoo. What a fun day! My Psychiatrist and I had conversations about the possibility of acquiring a service dog. The hunt began. I found a litter of puppies that were a terrier/chi mix at a shelter here in town. The cutest little things! One of the little girls seemed to be the "One." A few days earlier on our last trip to The Humane Society, one of the techs brought out a terrier mix that had recently been dumped at a rest stop near by. Her name was Uma. She was four and kinda shy. Very cute. I didn't think much of our meeting. I was pretty set on the puppy, and my psychiatrist encouraged me to get a puppy and not an older dog. Well....my heart spoke up and it was pretty clear that Uma was my girl. And she is. The staff surprised me and all chipped in to cover her adoption fee. The Universe was listening. Uma is a certified Emotional Support Animal*(4). Talula was a Lion for Halloween. 

Zoo fun

Uma

NOVEMBER


     The beginning of this month was magical to say the least. Without going into too much detail,  opportunities opened up everywhere for us. We got an apartment that was bigger and nicer! I found out that I could give my daughter a Christmas she deserved, not one without presents, or a turkey, or warmth. Uma went with us everywhere. My husband turned 41, and we had a nice evening out together. We had a surprise 90th birthday party for my grandma, followed by a wonderful weekend spent with my mom's family. While we were away, my brother stayed home to be with my dad who isn't really up for big parties and such. On our last day with my grandma and aunts, my brother called to tell us that my dad was sick. We rushed home and my dad was taken to the hospital. He wasn't doing well and was transported to Portland. He was there for almost three weeks. We had thanksgiving at the hospital. 

Grandma turns 90!

My grandma, my two aunts, and my mom

Talula taking care of grandpa

Thanksgiving in the hospital

DECEMBER


     My dad was moved to a care facility in Hood River. He was weak, but doing much better! He is home now but doing dialysis 3 times a week and still uses a walker to get around. His big goal is to make it up the stairs to see my new apartment. We moved on the 14th, with lots of help from friends and family. This was the beginning of the end of my "Hiatus." This really feels like home. As much as I loved my other apartment, I realize that it had all the remnants of my sadness and pain in its walls. I had to let it go. The 21st came and went without much excitement. On Christmas Eve, I made a wonderful dinner. Turkey, rolls, green beans, mashed potatoes, gravy, and cranberry sauce. Terry, Talula, and I decorated the tree and watched movies. After Talula went to bed, we filled her stocking and put the presents under the tree. On Christmas morning, I woke Talula up and the first thing she did was look out the window. The ground had a fresh blanket of snow, and it was still coming down in perfect white puffs. She opened her gifts and emptied her stocking. Nothing special, but to her it was all magic. I made a nice breakfast, and we watched White Christmas. We drove up to my parents and had a wonderful dinner there. I was Home. Literally and figuratively. My family was together and I was feeling warmth and light. Something I had been without for a very long time. I hosted our annual family Christmas with amy mom's family. What a lovely feeling. That brings us to...

Living room in our new place

Christmas dinner

Santa was here

Woke up to fresh snow

Family Christmas at my house!

Talula and Uma's Christmas picture

JANUARY 2013


     Exactly one year of checking out. We celebrated the new year which marked the five year anniversary of the day my husband and I fell in love. It also marked one year since I moved away from him. On the Twelfth Night of Christmas, The Epiphany, my 30th Birthday; It started snowing, and something in me shifted. My husband planned the most amazing day for me. I soaked up every moment, every taste, every emotion. Food has never tasted so good and the air never as fresh. We went to see The Hobbit. It was so beautiful. I sat in awe for three hours, marveling at every detail. It was like a part of me that had been dormant for so long, possibly years, had awakened. I felt a connection with my husband that I had longed for, one that I had waited so long to get back. 

Me and my husband

    

     Tonight, as I sat in the bubble bath, my mind wondered its way to my blog. I suddenly had the odd awareness that it was over. Not my struggle, or my healing. I still have a long ways to go. This blog has been helpful to me, and it has also helped me hold onto things I should have let go long ago. Im done writing about this. I no longer have a NEED to use this blog to help get it out. Notice as the months go on I talk less about whats wrong and more about what's right. I talk more about whats going on around me than whats going on inside me. Last year is over, and so is this blog. Goodbye. 

(1)"It Isn't Hard To Remember..."

(2) EBTs are standardized psychotherapy treatments that have been subjected to scientific clinical studies and which have shown substantial evidence of efficacy. Source: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=13023&cn=5

(3) Lamotrigine is used in the treatment of epilepsy and bipolar disorder. It is also used off-label as an adjunct in treating depression. Like many other anticonvulsant medications, Lamotrigine also seems to act as an effective mood stabilizer. Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamictin

(4) An emotional support animal (ESA) is a US legal term for a pet which provides therapeutic benefit to its owner through companionship and affection. Emotional support animals are not specially trained to ameliorate disability as psychiatric service dogs are. They require only as much training as an ordinary pet requires in order to live peacefully among humans. In the U.S., federal laws grant special rights to some owners of emotional support animals. The Fair Housing Amendment Act of 1988 (42 USC 3601, et seq.) establishes a procedure for modifying "no pets" policies in most types of housing to permit a person with a disability to keep an animal for emotional support. In housing that allows pets but charges deposits for them, these fees must be waived. The ESA's owner can be charged for actual damage done by the animal, but they may not require the applicant to pay a fee or a security deposit in order to keep the animal. Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_support_animal

Tally Up Your Scars

How peculiar it is
That black hole at the center of you
suffocating you
You tear away at the air around you Reaching
Gasping
Burning
On fire
And when crying isn't good enough
When you've walked in circles trying to find your way back
And you can't...
The knife comes out
The needles, and the swords
The branding iron, the fists, and the guns
The artillery, the guillotine, and the executioner
You bleed
A sigh of relief
You are here
Time to heal and rest
You have more to do
The scars will form in time
Then you will be able start all over again with new ones

It Isn't Hard To Remember

If I think about it, it isn't hart to remember
Remember our closeness, our friendship
It may have meant more to me than it did to you
If so, you fooled me
A decade can seem like a lifetime
Growing up, learning, changing
Babies, weddings, tears
How do you throw that away?
A click of a mouse
A dial tone
Silence
Deleted. 
I can't shake it
That nauseating heat at the middle of my chest
A tugging on all sides
Months and months and months and months
Still hurts
Still makes me cry
I have nightmares about you
I have dreams about you
No matter how hard I try to forget you like you have forgotten me
you
are
always
there
I can pretend it doesn't bother me to see your number in my phone
That I don't cringe and feel heartbroken when I see your picture
I want to hate you! I really do!
Because you took something from me that meant the world to me
Our friendship
It meant the world to me
You were my family
Everyone struggles. 
We all do
I know you do too
I wanted to be there for you
Now I have to try and forget about you??
To erase vital parts of the last ten years and expect to feel better?
I never thought in a million years, that one day you would not be a part of my life
We were close. So close.
If you think about it, it isn't hard to remember. 

Know that when you leave,
By blood and by me, you walk like a thief,
By blood and by me, and I fall when you leave.

Ain't Nobody Got Time Fo That!

 




      I shouldn't write blog posts when Im in deep dark caverns of my soul. The goal of this blog was to spread awareness and educate people about anxiety and depression, as it is such a taboo subject. I have found myself going from raw honesty, to wanting to hold back. No ones got time fo that! I need to remind myself that in not being honest to the reader, I cant be honest with myself and my recovery.            Today I find myself in the deep dark ugliness. You think people hurt you, until a FAMILY member    hurts you, and you realize all of those other hurts didn't matter. It is the worst kind of hurts. When someone hurts you that you didn't like anyway, or have no real connection with, you can let it roll right off your back. Now, when someone you love, care about deeply hurts you, its like this tearing feeling at the middle of your chest. It is actually indescribable. Awful. 
     I feel that communication is so huge in relationships. It helps you to form bonds, coexist, keep things real. When there is no communication, and the waters get stagnant, you never know what may grow in those swampy waters. Rumors, lies, assumptions. How are you to ever know what is reality? Talk to someone. Talk to each other. Damnit. Its so simple! But why don't we do it? Why do we sometimes choose to be so angry at someone we haven't talked to? I know it. You all know it. Say it with me : "There are always two sides to a story." You start wading around in that stagnant water and it will lead you around and around and get you nowhere. As mad as you may be, as much as you would like to stomp around that water and be mad because you think you have reasons, you need to step out and help that water to flow. You may find that you were mad for no reason, it was a misunderstanding, or something someone told someone who told someone else and then told you. Maybe it was made up. Maybe you made it up. When I am feeling this way I go to the person and try to figure it out. So maybe they are mad at me, or said something terrible, but at least now I know. And I heard it from them directly and not someone else. A year ago I would have done just the opposite. I would have let it fester and poison me. I had a very hard time approaching people. It got me nowhere. Now when I feel like something is off, I call that person up, write them an email, check in. I usually feel better when I know how they are feeling.  THE END.
     I'll get around to writing another blog when Im feeling better. All of my positivity has drained out of the bottom of my feet. Things are really good, on most days, during most hours. Im happier. 

Do the Bad Times Good

      Its mid August. Hotter that a hooker on a friday night. Im emotional. Could be the heat, could be PMS, could be life. I started reflecting on the last four years of my life. Lots of really great times. Happiness and love. Experiencing new things. Becoming a mom. What an adventure! There are also a lot of lows. Being hurt, hurting loved ones. Dealing with something I couldn't comprehend. It's funny how things happen in your life and you think there is no rhyme or reason. You can't understand why this is happening to you, or why you do or say things that don't make sense. For some people, this will go on their entire lives. They will suffer day in and day out, wandering thru life, lost. Others, like myself, will get answers. Their entire lives will change, making things clear, or clearer. It wont fix things, but you will be able to look back on those dizzying, sad, crazy moments, and just maybe, make sense of them. Hopefully you will be able to move forward in life applying this knowledge to your everyday life. 

     I opened up recently to someone, explaining in detail every moment and feeling I've had in recent years.What an undertaking! It was painful to write, painful to look at. I barely made it thru. And when I was done, silence was the reply. I lost myself in that moment. Someone once told me to do the bad times good. I did the bad times BAD. I punished myself for all the raw emotion and truth. Ouch. And still they love me thru and thru. Hm. I think from now on, I will save analyzing my past for the couch. Really, the past is the past, and I cannot change it. No matter how hard I try. 

     I turn to art. A different kind of medicine.  Music and photography are huge for me right now. I can't think of a better therapy. I also watch Ugly Betty in the evenings after my daughter has gone to bed. Don't judge, its my guilty pleasure and I love it!

      Last week I was visiting Wallowa Lake; a family summer tradition. It was so amazing to sit by the lake, in the shadows of the slopes shaped by a passing glacier. Amazing. I watched my baby girl take to the water like an old pro. No fear in that girl. The splashed away, played with the rocks, and chased after some unlucky geese. If everyday could be so simple. No time, no responsibility. A quiet and special time with nature and my family. I am making it a priority now that we are home, to spend lots of time at the water. It is soothing for the soul. I think that is true for most people. If you can do at least one thing a day that makes you happy, you are doing pretty good.

      I leave you with a song. One that makes me feel pretty darn good. Brings my courage up a notch. Enjoy. 

In Time

Scary faces, 7/16/12

So much time has passed. I feel like I have so much to say. I look at my last blog and I wish I hadn't written it. Too much? I don't know. These days I hold back. I stay away. I close myself off to opportunities. I'm afraid. I fear that I will be looked down upon, judged on my appearance, called ugly, fat, disgusting behind my back. I do all of my shopping after dark. I do my exercise after dark. I do laundry after dark. I don't even want to run into my neighbors. I don't know why I feel this way. I just know that I used to like what I saw in the mirror. I liked to be in pictures. I liked dressing up and going places. I am not that person right now. A year of constant medication changes, crippling anxiety, and all this weight is on me. I don't know this person I have become. In February after my hospitalization, I was feeling better about life. Confidant, ready to change. I was going to start running again. I was excited. I sprained my ankle and I was out of the game. I only thought it would take a few weeks to heal. It's been almost six months. Now I am so behind that I feel its too late. My rational mind says otherwise. My rational mind knows its not too late, it never is. My rational mind KNOWS I can do it. I've done it before. 65lbs in six months. I think of that and get down on myself. I could be there right now! All of that other stuff doesn't matter. This is my focus now. Not just to loose weight but be confident. Something I have NEVER been. I want to walk tall, take compliments by saying " thank you," and feel good in my skin. Talula says I'm beautiful. If only everyone would tell me that! So far she's the only one. I love my daughter to the ends of the earth, that will never change, but it's really hard to love anyone else when you have no love for yourself. You don't appreciate yourself. So, in time, I will get there. I will jog at night, and hopefully emerge victorious when the sunrises again. 

After 6 months, Im still struggling. Week 1, & 2

The past month has been a ride. Sometimes it was a Joy ride, and other times it was A hell ride. I intend to explain five weeks of time that seemingly passed unnoticed by anyone other that my close family. I am, and always be, truthful about my situation and strugles. I almost didn't log on to here, afraid of what someone would think of me. That's just not how i roll. 




WEEK 1: FEBRUARY 8TH - FEBRUARY 15TH


I was feeling amazing. What an incredible six months I had! Growing and learning about myself, healing and opening up. I was right on track. My first day back to work was cake. It was a friday and i worked my butt off. I was there to work, not to make friends. Saturday the 10th was my second day. Again, I was there to work. At around 10am I got a call from my husband. Talula was throwing up. TRIGGER! I immediately went into panic mode. I tried deep breathing, self talk, and any thing else i could think of to distract my mind. I went back to what I was doing and tried to give it all of my attention. It did not work. Tears were now streaming down my face. No one could see me like this. So weak and fragile; freaking out. Where had those six months gone? Was i not working on myself for such a long period away? No one could see. I walked past my boss and not looking said I had to go. I kept on walking. Next thing I know im being called up to the office. I was out of control at this point. They said I was rude. It probably seemed that way but not my intention. I explained...The questions kept coming and i was backed up against the wall.  Just then a little gesture triggered my already buzzing mind. I flipped a lid. The pent up anger, anguish, and emotion of the previous six months came flying out of my mouth. I was shaking and crying a raising my voice. It was not good. Not in any way, shape, or form. I went to the rest room to catch my breath. I couldn't stop the crying. I made it home with the help of my friend. One and a half days. Thats all the work i could handle. The rest of the days passed with a cover of guilt and shame. I slept, isolated, and harmed myself. Back at the bottom. No, below that.




WEEK 2: FEBRUARY 15TH - FEBRUARY 22ND


This week was hell. I had police knocking on my door twice, an ER visit, a psych evaluation, and 24/7 watch. I hated it. I was so unhappy with myself. I felt like i failed as a human, and as a mom. I saw doctors and therapist. It did not seem to help. I was getting irritated that I had to be followed everywhere. The only alone time i got was about an hour when I yelled at my mom to leave. She threatened to call the police. I had no idea how that would benifit. I tried to convince her I was ok, and after about two hours of back and forth, she left. Seeing a therapist once a week was not helping. I was still down, still harming myself, and still mad at myself. A vicious circle. My mother called around and tried to see if there was any kind of inpatient program I could get into. I needed to be surrounded by healing vibes and someone professional to talk to 24/7. I needed to learn coping skills. She found a place in Beaverton that was highly recommended. I packed my bags just in case they admitted me. By 6 o'clock I was officially a patient at Cedar Hills Hospital: Mental Health and Chemical Dependency Care.