In August of 2011, I broke. I spent the next four months struggling to put the pieces back together. I thought I was trying to win some race. I felt pressured. Most of this time I don't remember too well. Just the feelings of it.
In January, I officially started my "Hiatus." A literal break from life. It was heartbreaking but I felt like I needed to heal "Alone." I moved in with my parents and left my husband. It hurt him more than I think I will ever understand. Words could not express to him what I needed to do, and I don't think anyone really understood. I love him so, but I needed to do this in my own way, in my own time.
JANUARY 2012
Blank. Nothing. My dad could not deal with me and my daughter being at the house, so he left to stay at the RV on the coast. My heart broke again. The month was spent tenderly trying to deal with that, and hold onto my husband from a distance. I turned 29. Uneventful. Mornings were spent drinking coffee with my mom and brother. Evenings were spent eating together and watching Breaking Bad. An ice and snow storm ravaged our town. The power went off, then on, then off.... You could stand outside and hear fireworks crackling, only it wasn't fireworks; It was trees breaking under the weight of the ice. I loved it. I loved the destruction, the uncertainty, the aloneness. I loved how it felt to imagine what having to survive with nothing felt like. Took a job doing tattoo photography. Beyond that, nothing else was of importance that month.
FEBRUARY
I moved to Hood River. To a very small house. I don't remember moving in. Five things stand out this month.
1) I had two bean bags for furniture and that was it.
2) I went back to work. It went VERY badly. I confronted a friend and co-worker whom had cut themselves off from me almost immediately after my break last August. This wasn't just any friendship. I won't go into more detail here, but I wrote a poem* (1) about it. I made it two days only. I went back on medical leave.
3) My daughter was hardly ever there, and it killed me. It was for the best.
4) The police came to my house twice. I had cut myself so badly both of these times. I was so ashamed.
Michael and Saul came one time, and Michael and Andy came the next. They were warm and comforting. As far as I could tell, no judgement. They saved me.
5) I went to an impatient program for depression and anxiety. Quite possibly the best thing I have ever done for myself.
MARCH
I got back from treatment. One of my friends from treatment came to stay with me. My cat Valor was certified as a companion pet and moved in with me. I started seeing a different psychiatrist, the same one i saw in my teens when I was struggling with ADD. My dear friend came to me in the middle of the night after I had cut myself. She just snuggled with me in bed. She was there for me, and still is.
Then it's just nothing...
Valor
My beautiful friend
APRIL
I don't remember much. Two of my other friends from treatment came to see me twice I believe. It is amazing how in two weeks i managed to form some of the most meaningful relationships of my life. I struggled when they left. I still only had my daughter for two days out of the week. I felt her slipping away and growing up before my eyes. I cut myself. I would rather feel anything besides the heartbreak I was feeling over her. I walked myself to the hospital, bleeding, and walked myself home, like it was nothing. My aunt came to stay with me. We talked a lot and did a bit of pampering. I started going to an EBT*(2) group. It was not for me.
Nails done!
My aunt getting her first tattoo!
My beloved friends
MAY
I started a new medication, Lamotrigine* (3) Let me preface this by saying that in previous months I had been taking up to ten different meds a day, in different combinations. Obviously nothing worked. This new medication became my main treatment med. It was an anti-seizure drug, with very promising results in mood dissorders. Lucky for me, it also was used for migraines! We started tapering off my other meds. By the end of the month I had planned the most amazing 4th birthday party for my daughter. All of her friends came, and along with them, some of my friends. This was my first social gathering. I took my first photography job in a long while, a wedding.
Talula turns 4!
One of my favorite shots from the wedding.
JUNE
I had my daughter with me as much as I could. She stayed with my husband once or twice a week. I was and still am very protective of her. I rarely let her out of my sight. My husband and I tried to spend more time with each other, as much as we could. I was still closed off. Not loving myself really affected how I loved someone else. I needed more time. I was not going to let the idea of US vanish into thin air. I was GOING to get better. But when? I could not give him an answer.
Talula and Valor
JULY
Tuesdays were days specifically set aside for me and my mom. My doctors appointments were every Tuesday in The Dalles. She would drop me off at the doctor and then she would take my daughter to the park. My psychiatrist is amazing. He's been doing this for years and I think that is what sets him apart from the psychiatrist I was previously seeing. I had too much in common with my other doc. He was close to my age and we talked about film making a lot. I knew him too personally, if that makes any sense. The great thing about my new doc is I know next to nothing about him. It makes our time valuable and affective. I know he plays music with a friend of mine and I choose not to go see them play. I want to keep it as impersonal as possible. Everything he says makes sense to me. Like this path was slowly being lit up in front of me. I was down to two meds only. What a difference. After my appointment we would go to the Humane Society, something I had been doing for several months now.
It was a different kind of therapy for me. Spent some time in Wenatchee with my aunts and mom. Nice vacation. I quit my job. I had been off work for a year on medical leave already and it was time to move on anyway. Spent a lot of time with my parents new dog, playing in the water. I was starting to notice beautiful things again. I savored every rainfall, every thunderstorm. I ate it up. I was feeling close to nature again. Loving its energy.
Kali in the water
Wenatchee
Home at Last Humane Society
Tuesdays with mom
AUGUST
Annual family trip to the Lake. Exactly one year since my "break." Last year I went alone with my daughter. It was terrible. I felt sick and anxious the whole time, I missed my mom, dad, and husband. My dad had recently had heart surgery and was too sick to come. My mom stayed behind to take care of him. I was determined to go. I told myself I needed to go. It was aweful. I ended up driving home a day early in the middle of the night. This year was almost magical. I will never forget sitting by the shore with my family and watching my dad walk up behind us and stand at the edge of the water with my grandma. He was different. We were all different. I was different. We reminisced a lot about how the year had changed me. I was still skeptical when they said I was better. I felt better but I still had bad days, bad hours. I still didn't live with my husband. I still was terrified of certain things. I clung tightly to my family, my mother especially. I was so dependent. I went to an art show of a dear friend. My first social outing. My husband and I celebrated our second wedding anniversary. Such a fun day. I was still trying to find the guts to be affectionate. I felt like a fool. Kind of like a first date. It was hell of a great day.
Art by Nate Chavez
Our wedding day
SEPTEMBER
I thought about going to school. Then I dismissed it all together. Not mentally ready for that commitment. My dad and I got in a fight about how much money my parents had spent helping me out. I was fully aware of this fact and felt awful every day about it. He acted like it was nothing to me. I was furious and heartbroken. I remember quitting all the Words With Friends games we had going. He fell ill and was hospitalized the next day. He apologized to me in an email. He knew he was wrong. He told me he wanted to start teaching me metal smithing, something he had been doing for years. I won a photography contest. That was a great ego boost. I used the money I won to go see my grandma. She is one of my best friends. It was hard for her to see me struggle, and she was so happy to see how far I had come. I started volunteering at The Humane Society, taking pictures of the adoptable dogs. I had a big garage sale and gave all the money to my parents. A tiny drop in an ocean of debt to them. Went on the home tour with my mom, something we've been doing every year for awhile now. I found our that several members of my husband's family had written me off. Ouch. And that brought me down again.
winning photo in the paper
Garage sale
OCTOBER
Still reeling from the sadness of loosing my husbands family, I tried to distract myself. I had the tools I needed to continue on with life, but I admit I had moments I wanted to just punish myself. Mom and I took T to the Zoo. What a fun day! My Psychiatrist and I had conversations about the possibility of acquiring a service dog. The hunt began. I found a litter of puppies that were a terrier/chi mix at a shelter here in town. The cutest little things! One of the little girls seemed to be the "One." A few days earlier on our last trip to The Humane Society, one of the techs brought out a terrier mix that had recently been dumped at a rest stop near by. Her name was Uma. She was four and kinda shy. Very cute. I didn't think much of our meeting. I was pretty set on the puppy, and my psychiatrist encouraged me to get a puppy and not an older dog. Well....my heart spoke up and it was pretty clear that Uma was my girl. And she is. The staff surprised me and all chipped in to cover her adoption fee. The Universe was listening. Uma is a certified Emotional Support Animal*(4). Talula was a Lion for Halloween.
Zoo fun
Uma
NOVEMBER
The beginning of this month was magical to say the least. Without going into too much detail, opportunities opened up everywhere for us. We got an apartment that was bigger and nicer! I found out that I could give my daughter a Christmas she deserved, not one without presents, or a turkey, or warmth. Uma went with us everywhere. My husband turned 41, and we had a nice evening out together. We had a surprise 90th birthday party for my grandma, followed by a wonderful weekend spent with my mom's family. While we were away, my brother stayed home to be with my dad who isn't really up for big parties and such. On our last day with my grandma and aunts, my brother called to tell us that my dad was sick. We rushed home and my dad was taken to the hospital. He wasn't doing well and was transported to Portland. He was there for almost three weeks. We had thanksgiving at the hospital.
Grandma turns 90!
My grandma, my two aunts, and my mom
Talula taking care of grandpa
Thanksgiving in the hospital
DECEMBER
My dad was moved to a care facility in Hood River. He was weak, but doing much better! He is home now but doing dialysis 3 times a week and still uses a walker to get around. His big goal is to make it up the stairs to see my new apartment. We moved on the 14th, with lots of help from friends and family. This was the beginning of the end of my "Hiatus." This really feels like home. As much as I loved my other apartment, I realize that it had all the remnants of my sadness and pain in its walls. I had to let it go. The 21st came and went without much excitement. On Christmas Eve, I made a wonderful dinner. Turkey, rolls, green beans, mashed potatoes, gravy, and cranberry sauce. Terry, Talula, and I decorated the tree and watched movies. After Talula went to bed, we filled her stocking and put the presents under the tree. On Christmas morning, I woke Talula up and the first thing she did was look out the window. The ground had a fresh blanket of snow, and it was still coming down in perfect white puffs. She opened her gifts and emptied her stocking. Nothing special, but to her it was all magic. I made a nice breakfast, and we watched White Christmas. We drove up to my parents and had a wonderful dinner there. I was Home. Literally and figuratively. My family was together and I was feeling warmth and light. Something I had been without for a very long time. I hosted our annual family Christmas with amy mom's family. What a lovely feeling. That brings us to...
Living room in our new place
Christmas dinner
Santa was here
Woke up to fresh snow
Family Christmas at my house!
Talula and Uma's Christmas picture
JANUARY 2013
Exactly one year of checking out. We celebrated the new year which marked the five year anniversary of the day my husband and I fell in love. It also marked one year since I moved away from him. On the Twelfth Night of Christmas, The Epiphany, my 30th Birthday; It started snowing, and something in me shifted. My husband planned the most amazing day for me. I soaked up every moment, every taste, every emotion. Food has never tasted so good and the air never as fresh. We went to see The Hobbit. It was so beautiful. I sat in awe for three hours, marveling at every detail. It was like a part of me that had been dormant for so long, possibly years, had awakened. I felt a connection with my husband that I had longed for, one that I had waited so long to get back.
Me and my husband
Tonight, as I sat in the bubble bath, my mind wondered its way to my blog. I suddenly had the odd awareness that it was over. Not my struggle, or my healing. I still have a long ways to go. This blog has been helpful to me, and it has also helped me hold onto things I should have let go long ago. Im done writing about this. I no longer have a NEED to use this blog to help get it out. Notice as the months go on I talk less about whats wrong and more about what's right. I talk more about whats going on around me than whats going on inside me. Last year is over, and so is this blog. Goodbye.
(2) EBTs are standardized psychotherapy treatments that have been subjected to scientific clinical studies and which have shown substantial evidence of efficacy. Source: http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=13023&cn=5
(3) Lamotrigine is used in the treatment of epilepsy and bipolar disorder. It is also used off-label as an adjunct in treating depression. Like many other anticonvulsant medications, Lamotrigine also seems to act as an effective mood stabilizer. Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lamictin
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