Brick walls and broken hearts

I guess you could say I am one of those people that forgives, but does not forget. I'm ill equipped to deal with certain situations. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I only know how I feel. 

These past few months have been a struggle. Ive been fighting for my life. I only feel like I am half way there. There is so much healing left to be done in my 28 year old soul. There may be some things that never get fixed. Ive got a lot of hurt and anger inside and it is eating me alive. I'm lucky that I had family to rescue me and recognize that I needed help. That I was mentally ill. The person you knew three months ago doesn’t exist anymore. I'm new, healing, mending and open to the universe. I'm still changing and have lots to do and work on. I don’t play games, I like to tell it like it is, and I expect the same courtesy from others. That’s a lot to expect but I can hope. I am able to open up about my feelings, cry without feeling shameful, confess my deepest darkest fears and confront them head on. I will no longer be someone to walk upon, someone who cannot articulate her feelings or be ashamed to be weak at times. I’ll ask for help when I need it and allow my family and those who love me to guide me when I am lost. The one thing that I cannot say has changed, is my inability to not worry about what others are thinking about me. Especially my friends and loved ones. I'm not sure that will ever change. People can tell me all they want that it doesn’t matter what other people think, but I will always be sensitive to every look, cold shoulder, absence, tone and contact. I continue to see a therapist twice a week and a psychiatrist once a week. I take four different medications and journal regularly. I talk with people, tell them i love them, and squeeze them tight. I don't want to take anything for granted. I spend a lot of my time trying to distract myself. It has been one of my greatest tools. If I'm having a rough day or hour, my family knows what to do. Distract me. I make regular visits to Home at Last, a no kill shelter in the Dalles. I am truly happy there. I'm getting there, please be patient and gentle with me.

Today has been the worst day. Distraction did not keep the demons at bay. I really felt like I was on a role with my recovery, making amends with people and reaching out. Opening up. Today I hit a brick wall. And I am broken into pieces.