Could It Be Worse?

When you try your best but you don't succeed 

 When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face 

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse? 

And high up above or down below

 

 When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know 

Just what you're worth

Tears stream down your face 

When you lose something you cannot replace

Lights will guide you home 

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

I love these lyrics from Coldplay's "Fix You." I can especially relate to the line, " Stuck in reverse..." That's exactly how I'm feeling. The past few weeks since my last post when I had my second breakdown have been paralyzing. I just can't seem to move beyond that. There is a new fear in me, a deep grief. I went from feelings of joy to really no feeling at all. Numb. I was getting really into crafting. Haven't done anything with that in weeks.  My camera has been in its bag for far to long. I haven't even wanted to write. I'm not sleeping. Its very disappointing to me. My psychiatrist is considering switching my medication again. I really don't want to go thru another six weeks waiting to see if it works. I don't want to start all over again. I want it solved. I'm very impatient these days. I want it now. I don't want to wait. Some of my other family members are having problems and I just want to reach out and help them. Actually, I want to help anyone that needs it. The reality is that I cant fix everyone. 

I'm still visiting Home At Last on a regular basis. The cat that stole my heart, Valor, was adopted out to someone else. I'm happy he's in a home now but I was so attached to him. I have since fallen in love with  another cat named Speedy and a black bobtail kitten. The killer here is that my husband doesn't want another cat.  I have enough love to spare and my Oshie baby needs a playmate. I guess we'll see. My animals mean the world to me. 

Its been a bad few weeks but I have found a few things that take the pain away

Music

Window shopping

Sleeping

Hugging my dad

Visiting the animals

I just wish I could start moving forward. My mind is crowded. I'm feeling claustrophobic. Where is that light that is supposed to guide me home?