Mother

Far away i hear a sound
Simple, tingling
Or is it a voice?
The air rushes by my face
Again I hear it
No
I felt it this time
Tasted it
Its acidic imprint left on my tongue
I wish i could tell you what it was
What it felt like
How it feels
How it hurts
A gentle tap at the center of my chest
Grows stronger
Harder
Until the pain goes away 
And i am numb there
At the center
You can see the red mark it left
Blood rising to heal the ache
Warm and blistering
I cant feel it
That noise...
A whisper
It tells me all the things i never want to hear
All the things i never want to think about
Losing everything
My baby
"Get out!" I yell 
But only to myself
I realize foolishly
The mind is a tangled place
Electric and twisted in nature
One wrong turn and...
"You are nothing"
I try to breathe and cant
I search frantically for oxygen
Relief
None.
"You are broken"
It tears at my skin like knives
I bleed
At least now i know I'm alive
"Not good enough"
The air hits me like a hail storm
Sharp, stinging
There they are
Those red spots again
My body tries to repair itself  
Blood rushes to the surface
"Going nowhere"
My back is aching
Bricks built upon me one by one
Weighing me down
Cant move
My cheek is pressed against the cold damp pavement now
I can taste the rain, and oil, and dirt
I'm not in pain anymore
I'd do anything to feel it now...
Just to know that i could
Ive grown used to it
I hear a sound
Closer now
No, its a voice
Not my own
"Get up"
Hard as I try, my body is broken. 
"Grab my hand"
The bricks are too heavy
"I love you"
I felt that
A tapping at the center
Growing stronger now
It leaves a spot
Warm and red
A reminder
I am alive
I can feel
I am loved.
One by one the bricks are removed
tossed to the side 
each one chipped and broken
I stand up
Unsteady
Its not easy
It never will be
Not for me. 

An Early Christmas

A month ago I wrote a wish list to Santa. Today the impossible happened. I got my third wish!

"3. A kitty named Valor. He needs a mommy and I think I'm up for the job."

The universe has been paying close attention to me apparently. I went to Home At Last today for a visit and was greeted at the door by the smiling staff with excellent news! Valor kitty was returned to the shelter by the people who adopted him last week! Their kittens were picking on him and he wasn't very happy. We're bringing him home tuesday! It was absolutely meant to be! 

♥ Valor!

Could It Be Worse?

When you try your best but you don't succeed 

 When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face 

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse? 

And high up above or down below

 

 When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know 

Just what you're worth

Tears stream down your face 

When you lose something you cannot replace

Lights will guide you home 

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

I love these lyrics from Coldplay's "Fix You." I can especially relate to the line, " Stuck in reverse..." That's exactly how I'm feeling. The past few weeks since my last post when I had my second breakdown have been paralyzing. I just can't seem to move beyond that. There is a new fear in me, a deep grief. I went from feelings of joy to really no feeling at all. Numb. I was getting really into crafting. Haven't done anything with that in weeks.  My camera has been in its bag for far to long. I haven't even wanted to write. I'm not sleeping. Its very disappointing to me. My psychiatrist is considering switching my medication again. I really don't want to go thru another six weeks waiting to see if it works. I don't want to start all over again. I want it solved. I'm very impatient these days. I want it now. I don't want to wait. Some of my other family members are having problems and I just want to reach out and help them. Actually, I want to help anyone that needs it. The reality is that I cant fix everyone. 

I'm still visiting Home At Last on a regular basis. The cat that stole my heart, Valor, was adopted out to someone else. I'm happy he's in a home now but I was so attached to him. I have since fallen in love with  another cat named Speedy and a black bobtail kitten. The killer here is that my husband doesn't want another cat.  I have enough love to spare and my Oshie baby needs a playmate. I guess we'll see. My animals mean the world to me. 

Its been a bad few weeks but I have found a few things that take the pain away

Music

Window shopping

Sleeping

Hugging my dad

Visiting the animals

I just wish I could start moving forward. My mind is crowded. I'm feeling claustrophobic. Where is that light that is supposed to guide me home? 

Grieving for No One

                                                                    August 2010 Oregon Coast along the 101

Last night I cried for three hours straight
An invisible force shattering my heart
I lay in bed, tangled in pain
Grasping at my sheets, fighting
It came in waves
Each more powerful than the last
greif
heartache
death
despair
Someone or something was there
Controlling me
Standing on my chest and staring me down
Fear?
Maybe.
I cried until I bled
I almost felt as though I may be in the presence of the divine
Every time I closed my eyes i saw gold and light
Swirling
I was shaking and numb to the core
I might be dying
Last night I cried for three hours
Today my head is aching
Today my eyes are dry and sunken
Darkness beneath them
My face is raw from salt
Today I am broken
Someone save me please

Dear Santa

                                                                                       Christmas 2009

Christmas's have never been about presents for me. I do admit a few gifts stand out clearly in my head. Like the year I got Dream Builders, sort of a Lego set for girls. I was so happy. When I look back on Christmas pasts, I remember more of a feeling I had. Not something you can really describe. If I had to I would use these words:


Warm
Colorful
Food
Love
Snow
Pine
Smiles
Joy


That's what I really remember. That feeling. That magic. If you do it right and forget about the money, the shopping, and the presents, you can have that too. Otherwise its just another holiday that brings stress and commotion to the world that leads to mothers fighting over the last tickle me Elmo. No. That's not what Christmas is about. Christ was born on this day, and we celebrate that love. If you are not a religious person you can still celebrate Christmas as a time to love and gather your family, share food and laughter. Make it special. On that note, I wanted to write a Christmas list to Santa. I haven't done it for years but it seemed to work when I used to do it. Here's hoping! 






Dear Santa,
I know that I'm a 28 year old grown woman, but I thought I would try this out anyway. You've always been so great at getting me the things I have wanted on my list. I'm hoping you can help me out this year like you have in years past. Here goes...


1. I want my husband to know how much i truly love him. I may not be able to show him that all the time but I'm hoping to strengthen our bond, passion, and understanding for one another. Ive never been good at expressing my feelings. Just ask my parents. Any argument we ever had usually consisted of yelling, crying, slamming doors, and swearing. I could never verbally get out what I wanted to say. I'm that way in my marriage and I'm working on it. I want to be able to tell him everyday that I love him and have conversations about our feelings that don't end in me walking away. I don't walk away because I'm mad but simply that I cannot form my feelings into words. They just don't want to come out of my mouth right. I give up. Ive always been better at writing than speaking. Hoping to change that :)


2. A baby. Since my husband and I are unable to conceive I was thinking that you could maybe just leave a check made out to Dr. Knock-Me-Up in my stocking for about 5 grand. We really want to have a biological child together and unfortunately its a huge out of pocket expense. All my life all I have ever wanted was to be a mom. I'm so lucky to have my baby Talula. But I want more..... I want the love that Terry and I share to come together and create a child. I want this so bad it hurts. I get jealous of pregnant people. How lame is that?


3. A kitty named Valor. He needs a mommy and I think I'm up for the job.


4. For my daughter to grow up enjoying Christmas the way I always have. I never want her to be the kind of kid that gets blindsided by "want" every Christmas. I want her to feel love and happiness and create good memories for her. She deserves that. 


5. Health. For me, for my family and friends. Be healthy and don't take life for granted.


6. To be fulfilled and happy everyday. To reach out and be the person i need to be. To explore and take adventures, challenge myself and make someones day a little better. 


Thank you Santa for reading my list. I hope that it isn't too much. These are big things I'm asking for. 




Blessings,
Sweet Mommy


PS- If these things are too hard to come by I could always use anything camera related, music related, candle, incense, or yummy smell related, sparkly, or bettering myself related. I also like adventures. Surprise me :)

music love

Photograph by Camille Jones

What if the Prince on the horse in your fairytale

Is right here in disguise?
And what if the stars you've been reaching so high for
Are shining in his eyes?
-Carly Simon

Brick walls and broken hearts

I guess you could say I am one of those people that forgives, but does not forget. I'm ill equipped to deal with certain situations. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I only know how I feel. 

These past few months have been a struggle. Ive been fighting for my life. I only feel like I am half way there. There is so much healing left to be done in my 28 year old soul. There may be some things that never get fixed. Ive got a lot of hurt and anger inside and it is eating me alive. I'm lucky that I had family to rescue me and recognize that I needed help. That I was mentally ill. The person you knew three months ago doesn’t exist anymore. I'm new, healing, mending and open to the universe. I'm still changing and have lots to do and work on. I don’t play games, I like to tell it like it is, and I expect the same courtesy from others. That’s a lot to expect but I can hope. I am able to open up about my feelings, cry without feeling shameful, confess my deepest darkest fears and confront them head on. I will no longer be someone to walk upon, someone who cannot articulate her feelings or be ashamed to be weak at times. I’ll ask for help when I need it and allow my family and those who love me to guide me when I am lost. The one thing that I cannot say has changed, is my inability to not worry about what others are thinking about me. Especially my friends and loved ones. I'm not sure that will ever change. People can tell me all they want that it doesn’t matter what other people think, but I will always be sensitive to every look, cold shoulder, absence, tone and contact. I continue to see a therapist twice a week and a psychiatrist once a week. I take four different medications and journal regularly. I talk with people, tell them i love them, and squeeze them tight. I don't want to take anything for granted. I spend a lot of my time trying to distract myself. It has been one of my greatest tools. If I'm having a rough day or hour, my family knows what to do. Distract me. I make regular visits to Home at Last, a no kill shelter in the Dalles. I am truly happy there. I'm getting there, please be patient and gentle with me.

Today has been the worst day. Distraction did not keep the demons at bay. I really felt like I was on a role with my recovery, making amends with people and reaching out. Opening up. Today I hit a brick wall. And I am broken into pieces.