The Tale of the Russian Cosmonaut

I just finished watching this fantastic film. It was beautiful from start to finish. A wonderful piece of art that will stick with me forever. One of my favorite scenes is this one between Rhoda played by Brit Marling, and John, played by William Mapother.

Memory Lane

Went through my old computer yesterday and found some fun happy times. 

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150557993881383.436986.543046382&type=1&l=5ef7f4da02

Diagnosis: Hopeless Romantic

I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in love at first conversation. I believe in walks in the rain and sitting on the beach until the sun comes up. I believe in laying on blankets under the stars and talking about the universe until we get dizzy. I believe in sweet kisses and holding hands, long embraces and whispering sweet nothings. I believe in candle light and good conversation into the early morning. I believe in turning all the lights off and listening to music in the dark. I believe in photographs. I believe in surprises and adventures. The smell of fresh cut grass and late summer nights. Love letters, poems, and love songs. I believe in seductive glances, and snuggling on the couch. Watching a good movie and drinking wine. I think that laughter is the key to my heart, and a warm smile. I believe in road trips and sleeping in the car. I believe in swimming and warming up together. I believe in romance, its never underrated. I believe in laying together and just being in the moment. I believe in making love. I believe in sharing. Sharing passions and interests. Living life to the fullest and loving each other even when you hate each other. I believe that things happen for a reason. People who enter your life are meant to be in it, and those who exit your life are not. I believe in growing old with someone i love. I believe in wildflowers and simple pleasures. I'm Hopeless, and yet somehow I still have hope.

Come Away With Me by Norah Jones

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

And I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come?

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

Images of Happiness

Bliss. Find it.

December 7th Feature Article in the Hood River News

Brother

O brother
Even in the three almost four years before your existence
You existed
In my mind i cant remember a time of not feeling you nearby
You have always been there
A constant
Now only a shadow of a boy
Behind beard and wiser eyes
Over six feet of intelligence and strength
Towering over me but never making me feel small
Only loved
Today i see your clothing
To everyone else, just clothes
Normal and low key
But i see that heart on your sleeve
Enormous in size
Large enough to hold our entire family
Embracing us
I can see coiled in the corner
A tiny universe
So small I'm not even sure i really see it
This universe is where the blackness lies
So small in comparison to the rest of your heart
But there all the same
Its in all of us
Sadness, hate, fear, jealousy, anger.
But you do not let it grow
You keep it small and almost invisible
That universe is only reserved for those who deserve it
I wish i could be more like you
O brother
Time is on our side
We can stretch it and linger here a while before moving on
Savoring each and every drop of life
Beautiful
You are beautiful
The way you see things is magical
Like life thru a kaleidoscope
Colors and swirls
You hear it too
On the wind only speaking in your ear
Music pours out of you fingertips and onto ivory keys and brass strings
Beautiful
O brother
Don't ever let your heart out of sight
Keep it big and full
Fill it with family and happiness
ove and light and laughter
music
and art
keep that universe small and distant
don't let it turn into a black hole
you are unique in that way
loving and caring
Brother, you are my best friend
I love you forever
be strong and carry on
Our childish ways are far behind us now
In adulthood we move forward
our future bright
Happy Birthday

Wednesday

5:30 wake up
5:35 bathroom break
5:37 take cocktail of prescriptions
5:40 cereal
5:45 cereal refill
5:50 Glee
6:30 Glee
7:00 lay in bed
7:10 play with cat
7:20 think about sleeping
7:30 look up random things on the Internet
8:45 get in bathtub
9:30 wake up in bathtub
9:31 take shower
9:50 put on make up
10:00 get dressed
10:10 blow dry hair
10:30 get in car and drive to Hood River
10:32 get gas first
11:16 arrive late at therapy appointment
11:30 trying to achieve inner peace 
11:40 almost there
11:45 peaceful sadness
12:05 Meet Mom
12: 15 Bette's Place 
1:30 sit quietly and listen 
2:10 wander around Walgreen's
2:30 Talk to Psychiatrist 
2:45 cry in front of psychiatrist
3:10 show psychiatrist your mediocre film
3:15 feel embarrassed
3:35 Wal-Mart
4:25 checkout. cat food, cough syrup, ensure, cat toys, spaghetti, spaghetti sauce, Christmas CD, movie, sense of betrayal against own moral code.
4:45 petrol stop
5:30 drop mom off
5:40 get home
5:45 take cocktail of prescriptions
5:50 brush teeth
6:00 fall asleep
Dream

Mother

Far away i hear a sound
Simple, tingling
Or is it a voice?
The air rushes by my face
Again I hear it
No
I felt it this time
Tasted it
Its acidic imprint left on my tongue
I wish i could tell you what it was
What it felt like
How it feels
How it hurts
A gentle tap at the center of my chest
Grows stronger
Harder
Until the pain goes away 
And i am numb there
At the center
You can see the red mark it left
Blood rising to heal the ache
Warm and blistering
I cant feel it
That noise...
A whisper
It tells me all the things i never want to hear
All the things i never want to think about
Losing everything
My baby
"Get out!" I yell 
But only to myself
I realize foolishly
The mind is a tangled place
Electric and twisted in nature
One wrong turn and...
"You are nothing"
I try to breathe and cant
I search frantically for oxygen
Relief
None.
"You are broken"
It tears at my skin like knives
I bleed
At least now i know I'm alive
"Not good enough"
The air hits me like a hail storm
Sharp, stinging
There they are
Those red spots again
My body tries to repair itself  
Blood rushes to the surface
"Going nowhere"
My back is aching
Bricks built upon me one by one
Weighing me down
Cant move
My cheek is pressed against the cold damp pavement now
I can taste the rain, and oil, and dirt
I'm not in pain anymore
I'd do anything to feel it now...
Just to know that i could
Ive grown used to it
I hear a sound
Closer now
No, its a voice
Not my own
"Get up"
Hard as I try, my body is broken. 
"Grab my hand"
The bricks are too heavy
"I love you"
I felt that
A tapping at the center
Growing stronger now
It leaves a spot
Warm and red
A reminder
I am alive
I can feel
I am loved.
One by one the bricks are removed
tossed to the side 
each one chipped and broken
I stand up
Unsteady
Its not easy
It never will be
Not for me. 

An Early Christmas

A month ago I wrote a wish list to Santa. Today the impossible happened. I got my third wish!

"3. A kitty named Valor. He needs a mommy and I think I'm up for the job."

The universe has been paying close attention to me apparently. I went to Home At Last today for a visit and was greeted at the door by the smiling staff with excellent news! Valor kitty was returned to the shelter by the people who adopted him last week! Their kittens were picking on him and he wasn't very happy. We're bringing him home tuesday! It was absolutely meant to be! 

♥ Valor!

Could It Be Worse?

When you try your best but you don't succeed 

 When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face 

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse? 

And high up above or down below

 

 When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know 

Just what you're worth

Tears stream down your face 

When you lose something you cannot replace

Lights will guide you home 

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

I love these lyrics from Coldplay's "Fix You." I can especially relate to the line, " Stuck in reverse..." That's exactly how I'm feeling. The past few weeks since my last post when I had my second breakdown have been paralyzing. I just can't seem to move beyond that. There is a new fear in me, a deep grief. I went from feelings of joy to really no feeling at all. Numb. I was getting really into crafting. Haven't done anything with that in weeks.  My camera has been in its bag for far to long. I haven't even wanted to write. I'm not sleeping. Its very disappointing to me. My psychiatrist is considering switching my medication again. I really don't want to go thru another six weeks waiting to see if it works. I don't want to start all over again. I want it solved. I'm very impatient these days. I want it now. I don't want to wait. Some of my other family members are having problems and I just want to reach out and help them. Actually, I want to help anyone that needs it. The reality is that I cant fix everyone. 

I'm still visiting Home At Last on a regular basis. The cat that stole my heart, Valor, was adopted out to someone else. I'm happy he's in a home now but I was so attached to him. I have since fallen in love with  another cat named Speedy and a black bobtail kitten. The killer here is that my husband doesn't want another cat.  I have enough love to spare and my Oshie baby needs a playmate. I guess we'll see. My animals mean the world to me. 

Its been a bad few weeks but I have found a few things that take the pain away

Music

Window shopping

Sleeping

Hugging my dad

Visiting the animals

I just wish I could start moving forward. My mind is crowded. I'm feeling claustrophobic. Where is that light that is supposed to guide me home?