The Tale of the Russian Cosmonaut

I just finished watching this fantastic film. It was beautiful from start to finish. A wonderful piece of art that will stick with me forever. One of my favorite scenes is this one between Rhoda played by Brit Marling, and John, played by William Mapother.

Memory Lane

Went through my old computer yesterday and found some fun happy times. 

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150557993881383.436986.543046382&type=1&l=5ef7f4da02

Diagnosis: Hopeless Romantic

I don't believe in love at first sight. I believe in love at first conversation. I believe in walks in the rain and sitting on the beach until the sun comes up. I believe in laying on blankets under the stars and talking about the universe until we get dizzy. I believe in sweet kisses and holding hands, long embraces and whispering sweet nothings. I believe in candle light and good conversation into the early morning. I believe in turning all the lights off and listening to music in the dark. I believe in photographs. I believe in surprises and adventures. The smell of fresh cut grass and late summer nights. Love letters, poems, and love songs. I believe in seductive glances, and snuggling on the couch. Watching a good movie and drinking wine. I think that laughter is the key to my heart, and a warm smile. I believe in road trips and sleeping in the car. I believe in swimming and warming up together. I believe in romance, its never underrated. I believe in laying together and just being in the moment. I believe in making love. I believe in sharing. Sharing passions and interests. Living life to the fullest and loving each other even when you hate each other. I believe that things happen for a reason. People who enter your life are meant to be in it, and those who exit your life are not. I believe in growing old with someone i love. I believe in wildflowers and simple pleasures. I'm Hopeless, and yet somehow I still have hope.

Come Away With Me by Norah Jones

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

And I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come?

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

Images of Happiness

Bliss. Find it.

December 7th Feature Article in the Hood River News

Brother

O brother
Even in the three almost four years before your existence
You existed
In my mind i cant remember a time of not feeling you nearby
You have always been there
A constant
Now only a shadow of a boy
Behind beard and wiser eyes
Over six feet of intelligence and strength
Towering over me but never making me feel small
Only loved
Today i see your clothing
To everyone else, just clothes
Normal and low key
But i see that heart on your sleeve
Enormous in size
Large enough to hold our entire family
Embracing us
I can see coiled in the corner
A tiny universe
So small I'm not even sure i really see it
This universe is where the blackness lies
So small in comparison to the rest of your heart
But there all the same
Its in all of us
Sadness, hate, fear, jealousy, anger.
But you do not let it grow
You keep it small and almost invisible
That universe is only reserved for those who deserve it
I wish i could be more like you
O brother
Time is on our side
We can stretch it and linger here a while before moving on
Savoring each and every drop of life
Beautiful
You are beautiful
The way you see things is magical
Like life thru a kaleidoscope
Colors and swirls
You hear it too
On the wind only speaking in your ear
Music pours out of you fingertips and onto ivory keys and brass strings
Beautiful
O brother
Don't ever let your heart out of sight
Keep it big and full
Fill it with family and happiness
ove and light and laughter
music
and art
keep that universe small and distant
don't let it turn into a black hole
you are unique in that way
loving and caring
Brother, you are my best friend
I love you forever
be strong and carry on
Our childish ways are far behind us now
In adulthood we move forward
our future bright
Happy Birthday

Wednesday

5:30 wake up
5:35 bathroom break
5:37 take cocktail of prescriptions
5:40 cereal
5:45 cereal refill
5:50 Glee
6:30 Glee
7:00 lay in bed
7:10 play with cat
7:20 think about sleeping
7:30 look up random things on the Internet
8:45 get in bathtub
9:30 wake up in bathtub
9:31 take shower
9:50 put on make up
10:00 get dressed
10:10 blow dry hair
10:30 get in car and drive to Hood River
10:32 get gas first
11:16 arrive late at therapy appointment
11:30 trying to achieve inner peace 
11:40 almost there
11:45 peaceful sadness
12:05 Meet Mom
12: 15 Bette's Place 
1:30 sit quietly and listen 
2:10 wander around Walgreen's
2:30 Talk to Psychiatrist 
2:45 cry in front of psychiatrist
3:10 show psychiatrist your mediocre film
3:15 feel embarrassed
3:35 Wal-Mart
4:25 checkout. cat food, cough syrup, ensure, cat toys, spaghetti, spaghetti sauce, Christmas CD, movie, sense of betrayal against own moral code.
4:45 petrol stop
5:30 drop mom off
5:40 get home
5:45 take cocktail of prescriptions
5:50 brush teeth
6:00 fall asleep
Dream

Mother

Far away i hear a sound
Simple, tingling
Or is it a voice?
The air rushes by my face
Again I hear it
No
I felt it this time
Tasted it
Its acidic imprint left on my tongue
I wish i could tell you what it was
What it felt like
How it feels
How it hurts
A gentle tap at the center of my chest
Grows stronger
Harder
Until the pain goes away 
And i am numb there
At the center
You can see the red mark it left
Blood rising to heal the ache
Warm and blistering
I cant feel it
That noise...
A whisper
It tells me all the things i never want to hear
All the things i never want to think about
Losing everything
My baby
"Get out!" I yell 
But only to myself
I realize foolishly
The mind is a tangled place
Electric and twisted in nature
One wrong turn and...
"You are nothing"
I try to breathe and cant
I search frantically for oxygen
Relief
None.
"You are broken"
It tears at my skin like knives
I bleed
At least now i know I'm alive
"Not good enough"
The air hits me like a hail storm
Sharp, stinging
There they are
Those red spots again
My body tries to repair itself  
Blood rushes to the surface
"Going nowhere"
My back is aching
Bricks built upon me one by one
Weighing me down
Cant move
My cheek is pressed against the cold damp pavement now
I can taste the rain, and oil, and dirt
I'm not in pain anymore
I'd do anything to feel it now...
Just to know that i could
Ive grown used to it
I hear a sound
Closer now
No, its a voice
Not my own
"Get up"
Hard as I try, my body is broken. 
"Grab my hand"
The bricks are too heavy
"I love you"
I felt that
A tapping at the center
Growing stronger now
It leaves a spot
Warm and red
A reminder
I am alive
I can feel
I am loved.
One by one the bricks are removed
tossed to the side 
each one chipped and broken
I stand up
Unsteady
Its not easy
It never will be
Not for me. 

An Early Christmas

A month ago I wrote a wish list to Santa. Today the impossible happened. I got my third wish!

"3. A kitty named Valor. He needs a mommy and I think I'm up for the job."

The universe has been paying close attention to me apparently. I went to Home At Last today for a visit and was greeted at the door by the smiling staff with excellent news! Valor kitty was returned to the shelter by the people who adopted him last week! Their kittens were picking on him and he wasn't very happy. We're bringing him home tuesday! It was absolutely meant to be! 

♥ Valor!

Could It Be Worse?

When you try your best but you don't succeed 

 When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face 

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse? 

And high up above or down below

 

 When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know 

Just what you're worth

Tears stream down your face 

When you lose something you cannot replace

Lights will guide you home 

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

I love these lyrics from Coldplay's "Fix You." I can especially relate to the line, " Stuck in reverse..." That's exactly how I'm feeling. The past few weeks since my last post when I had my second breakdown have been paralyzing. I just can't seem to move beyond that. There is a new fear in me, a deep grief. I went from feelings of joy to really no feeling at all. Numb. I was getting really into crafting. Haven't done anything with that in weeks.  My camera has been in its bag for far to long. I haven't even wanted to write. I'm not sleeping. Its very disappointing to me. My psychiatrist is considering switching my medication again. I really don't want to go thru another six weeks waiting to see if it works. I don't want to start all over again. I want it solved. I'm very impatient these days. I want it now. I don't want to wait. Some of my other family members are having problems and I just want to reach out and help them. Actually, I want to help anyone that needs it. The reality is that I cant fix everyone. 

I'm still visiting Home At Last on a regular basis. The cat that stole my heart, Valor, was adopted out to someone else. I'm happy he's in a home now but I was so attached to him. I have since fallen in love with  another cat named Speedy and a black bobtail kitten. The killer here is that my husband doesn't want another cat.  I have enough love to spare and my Oshie baby needs a playmate. I guess we'll see. My animals mean the world to me. 

Its been a bad few weeks but I have found a few things that take the pain away

Music

Window shopping

Sleeping

Hugging my dad

Visiting the animals

I just wish I could start moving forward. My mind is crowded. I'm feeling claustrophobic. Where is that light that is supposed to guide me home? 

Grieving for No One

                                                                    August 2010 Oregon Coast along the 101

Last night I cried for three hours straight
An invisible force shattering my heart
I lay in bed, tangled in pain
Grasping at my sheets, fighting
It came in waves
Each more powerful than the last
greif
heartache
death
despair
Someone or something was there
Controlling me
Standing on my chest and staring me down
Fear?
Maybe.
I cried until I bled
I almost felt as though I may be in the presence of the divine
Every time I closed my eyes i saw gold and light
Swirling
I was shaking and numb to the core
I might be dying
Last night I cried for three hours
Today my head is aching
Today my eyes are dry and sunken
Darkness beneath them
My face is raw from salt
Today I am broken
Someone save me please

Dear Santa

                                                                                       Christmas 2009

Christmas's have never been about presents for me. I do admit a few gifts stand out clearly in my head. Like the year I got Dream Builders, sort of a Lego set for girls. I was so happy. When I look back on Christmas pasts, I remember more of a feeling I had. Not something you can really describe. If I had to I would use these words:


Warm
Colorful
Food
Love
Snow
Pine
Smiles
Joy


That's what I really remember. That feeling. That magic. If you do it right and forget about the money, the shopping, and the presents, you can have that too. Otherwise its just another holiday that brings stress and commotion to the world that leads to mothers fighting over the last tickle me Elmo. No. That's not what Christmas is about. Christ was born on this day, and we celebrate that love. If you are not a religious person you can still celebrate Christmas as a time to love and gather your family, share food and laughter. Make it special. On that note, I wanted to write a Christmas list to Santa. I haven't done it for years but it seemed to work when I used to do it. Here's hoping! 






Dear Santa,
I know that I'm a 28 year old grown woman, but I thought I would try this out anyway. You've always been so great at getting me the things I have wanted on my list. I'm hoping you can help me out this year like you have in years past. Here goes...


1. I want my husband to know how much i truly love him. I may not be able to show him that all the time but I'm hoping to strengthen our bond, passion, and understanding for one another. Ive never been good at expressing my feelings. Just ask my parents. Any argument we ever had usually consisted of yelling, crying, slamming doors, and swearing. I could never verbally get out what I wanted to say. I'm that way in my marriage and I'm working on it. I want to be able to tell him everyday that I love him and have conversations about our feelings that don't end in me walking away. I don't walk away because I'm mad but simply that I cannot form my feelings into words. They just don't want to come out of my mouth right. I give up. Ive always been better at writing than speaking. Hoping to change that :)


2. A baby. Since my husband and I are unable to conceive I was thinking that you could maybe just leave a check made out to Dr. Knock-Me-Up in my stocking for about 5 grand. We really want to have a biological child together and unfortunately its a huge out of pocket expense. All my life all I have ever wanted was to be a mom. I'm so lucky to have my baby Talula. But I want more..... I want the love that Terry and I share to come together and create a child. I want this so bad it hurts. I get jealous of pregnant people. How lame is that?


3. A kitty named Valor. He needs a mommy and I think I'm up for the job.


4. For my daughter to grow up enjoying Christmas the way I always have. I never want her to be the kind of kid that gets blindsided by "want" every Christmas. I want her to feel love and happiness and create good memories for her. She deserves that. 


5. Health. For me, for my family and friends. Be healthy and don't take life for granted.


6. To be fulfilled and happy everyday. To reach out and be the person i need to be. To explore and take adventures, challenge myself and make someones day a little better. 


Thank you Santa for reading my list. I hope that it isn't too much. These are big things I'm asking for. 




Blessings,
Sweet Mommy


PS- If these things are too hard to come by I could always use anything camera related, music related, candle, incense, or yummy smell related, sparkly, or bettering myself related. I also like adventures. Surprise me :)

music love

Photograph by Camille Jones

What if the Prince on the horse in your fairytale

Is right here in disguise?
And what if the stars you've been reaching so high for
Are shining in his eyes?
-Carly Simon

Brick walls and broken hearts

I guess you could say I am one of those people that forgives, but does not forget. I'm ill equipped to deal with certain situations. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I only know how I feel. 

These past few months have been a struggle. Ive been fighting for my life. I only feel like I am half way there. There is so much healing left to be done in my 28 year old soul. There may be some things that never get fixed. Ive got a lot of hurt and anger inside and it is eating me alive. I'm lucky that I had family to rescue me and recognize that I needed help. That I was mentally ill. The person you knew three months ago doesn’t exist anymore. I'm new, healing, mending and open to the universe. I'm still changing and have lots to do and work on. I don’t play games, I like to tell it like it is, and I expect the same courtesy from others. That’s a lot to expect but I can hope. I am able to open up about my feelings, cry without feeling shameful, confess my deepest darkest fears and confront them head on. I will no longer be someone to walk upon, someone who cannot articulate her feelings or be ashamed to be weak at times. I’ll ask for help when I need it and allow my family and those who love me to guide me when I am lost. The one thing that I cannot say has changed, is my inability to not worry about what others are thinking about me. Especially my friends and loved ones. I'm not sure that will ever change. People can tell me all they want that it doesn’t matter what other people think, but I will always be sensitive to every look, cold shoulder, absence, tone and contact. I continue to see a therapist twice a week and a psychiatrist once a week. I take four different medications and journal regularly. I talk with people, tell them i love them, and squeeze them tight. I don't want to take anything for granted. I spend a lot of my time trying to distract myself. It has been one of my greatest tools. If I'm having a rough day or hour, my family knows what to do. Distract me. I make regular visits to Home at Last, a no kill shelter in the Dalles. I am truly happy there. I'm getting there, please be patient and gentle with me.

Today has been the worst day. Distraction did not keep the demons at bay. I really felt like I was on a role with my recovery, making amends with people and reaching out. Opening up. Today I hit a brick wall. And I am broken into pieces. 

Inspired

Terry and I were hired to photograph a wedding this weekend. I can tell you honestly that I was worried i wouldn't be able to do it. I felt my artistic eye was blinded. I hadn't been around that many people in awhile and was quite nervous that the stress of the day would do me in. I was in no mood for picture taking. Haven't been for awhile. We got to the venue and i realized I had nothing to worry about. It was a gorgeous wedding. We had a great time and we totally kicked ass. Ive only looked at the pics I took but I cant wait to see what Terry took. We make a great team. I catch things he misses and he does the same for me. I was psyched to see how great the photos turned out that Ive been up nearly all night editing and sending them off for printing. I guess you could say my spark has been re-ignited. I feel alive tonight. This is my passion. I hate that i lost it for so long.

The Purist Love: Animal and Child

Love. This warms my heart no matter what condition my mind is in. 

Talula and Snugman

A week of growth

 This last week has been a lot of things. Emotional, tiring, difficult, happy, sad, and eye-opening. Everyday is still a struggle. A struggle to live, to eat, to bring myself back to normal, whatever that means. I live moment by moment. I guess i could say that this was the week that i feel I've made three steps forward and only two back, instead of two steps forward and three back. 

PAIN

New things come to light everyday, and one of the issues that i realized i was dealing with was self mutilation. I'm not a severe case, i don't do it for attention, and I'm not trying to kill myself. It is a way to ease other pains. Its a release. The other night i ended up going too far and freaked myself out so bad that i was thrown into a panic attack. I called my mom and she came to help me. I was so ashamed. It was like i caught myself doing it and realized, "What the hell am i doing?!" I'm working on this, and have talked to my therapist and my psychiatrist. Another hurdle. 

JOY

The other day when mom and i were out going to appointments and running errands, we stopped by PetCo to show T all of the animals. We ended up falling in love with two kitties there. The next day we went out to Home at Last to meet with the kitties one on one. One of the cats ended up being a fighter, and we fell in love with a black and white kitten named "Chris" instead.  His name is now Jimmy after my grandfather. Jimmy was born on my grandpas birthday. Not only was this a great day for my family because we adopted a new pet, but it was an overwhelming experience for me. I walked away from there bursting with joy. I held and cuddled EVERY SINGLE ONE of those cats and had a perma-grin the whole time. Best therapy i had had ever. I was high. On cats. <3 The people at home at last said I could come back and hang out whenever i wanted. I'm going tomorrow :)

CONNECTION

I love my dad. But we rarely hang out just he and I. We used to, but not any more. I really wanted to reconnect with him and get to know him better. I invited him over to my house, lit some candles and made the house all cozy. T was sleeping so we got to talk just one on one. It was hard at first to find things to talk about. I showed him some of our antiques, talked to him about herbal medicine and how much it means to me. I hate being on prescriptions. I feel like I'm poisoning my body. He was here for two hours and i was immensely happy. I felt warm and peaceful after he left. I look forward to our next "date."

TEST

On Terry's last day off, I told him i wanted to go to Portland and see how much I could take. I need to start thinking about going back to work and  building up my stamina. We went to the outlet mall and walked the entire thing. I was doing ok until we ran into a crowd of people. I had to take a xanex. Then we drove downtown to an antique shop and ended up at the Portland flea market. I was starting to get hungry and anxious and so this was a rushed stop. We got to the Clackamas mall and ate. I took another xanex and some excederine because i was starting to get a headache. The caffeine in the excederine gave me a burst of energy and i was able to make it thru the whole mall. The crowds were bothering me and  if Terry left my side id start to freak. I'm so thankful he was there to watch over me and keep me calm. I did it. A 12 hour day. I was beat and crawled right into bed when i got home. 

REPAIR

I have had a strong urge to reach out to people. People that i haven't talked to in a long time. Maybe there was a misunderstanding or some hurt. One of the people that i really want to reach out to is Talula's biological grandpa. From the beginning he never really wanted anything to do with us. For three years he has never once reached out to us. I have a feeling that it has a lot to do with what T's biological dad was telling him. But I don't know this for sure...so I want to sort it out. Ive been feeling lately that he and his wife have wanted to be a part of T's life but there is a lot of hurt on my part that needs healing. We're getting together Saturday and I couldn't be more excited. I think good things will come from this. 

THANKFUL

This morning as i was going thru our mail i found a letter from my union. Inside was a check for my disability that i have been waiting on. I broke down in tears. My husband cried with me. I've had nothing for months and have been strongly relying on my parents to help us out, which they have been doing happily, knowing that we had no choice. Groceries and doctors bills, my parents have had to fork it over for that stuff. I feel guilty. I went to my therapy meeting and did some hypno-therapy. I came out of it feeling peaceful and happy. I then went to visit my twins, I love them both so much and they made my day. Melin cut my hair and offered to feed us. I loved being surrounded by them and their genuine love for me. I then went grocery shopping because i had MONEY! FINALLY! I bought a bouquet of flowers and some chocolate to take to my family. I drove up to my parents and before i went in I stuffed 5 $100 bills into the bouquet. I gave the flowers to my mom and and told her thank you for everything. She didn't notice the money.  I sat in the living room with my brother and dad while my mom went into the kitchen and put the flowers in a vase. I heard her yell my name but i didn't respond. She came out into the living room in tears and hugged me. We both cried. I told her i wished i could do more and how thankful i am for everything they have done for me. We all sat in the living room and talked for about an hour. I love my family so much. 

I lot more happened than this...this is mostly the good and happy things. It's what I'm trying to focus on. I have a long way to go still and am thankful for everyones support. 

LOVE: Everything a mother has for her child.

I revised my previous poem to better reflect my true feelings. I took out "worry" and replaced it with "LOVE."

I like this version much better.

This is a silhouette of the most precious being i have ever known. Those cheeks belong to my eternal love, my baby, my heart. She wont stay this little long, and she will get bigger. She will want to go places, explore the world, tread a path to her future. I will never stop loving her and where her imagination will take her. I loved her before I met her, I loved her when she was tiny and pink and new. I love her everyday. It will never stop. This love consumes me and the love i have for her runs deeper than any part of my own flesh. She is a part of me. She is my everything. My sweet, soft, silly girl. I love every bone in your body and the spirit that surrounds you. I could never kiss your tender cheeks enough. Love, Mommy

The Greatest Love of All: My Talula

These shoes hold the most precious feet i have ever known. Those feet belong to my eternal love, my baby, my heart. These shoes wont fit her long, and she will get bigger. Her shoes will take her places, explore the world, tread a path to her future. I will never stop worrying about where her shoes will take her. I worried about her before I met her, I worried about her when she was tiny and pink and new. I worry about her everyday. It will never stop. This worry consumes me and the love i have for her runs deeper than any part of my own flesh. She is a part of me. She is my everything. My sweet, soft, silly girl. I love every bone in your body and the spirit that surrounds you. I could never kiss your tender cheeks enough. Love, Mommy

My spiritual experience: Connecting to Earths Energy.

                                        

   Taken on August 28th, 2011 by Shannon Smith

Standing under a pink sky, my wide angle directed above me. I stood. Still and quiet. I let the rain pour over me, my skin drenched and cleansed. Warm wind around me. Thunder shook me. And then, as my heart began to flutter, a dazzling web of silver splintered across the sky. Power. Energy. Love. This morning means everything, and i cannot equate a more powerful experience to this.

The power of suggestion

Yesterday was an early rise for me. Two appointments to get to and a few errands with my mom. I slept only two hours that night but was wide awake. I blogged :) I called my mom to verify our meeting time and she wasn't sure because my dad was feeling nauseous today. She had to make sure he was settled in first. This news was no big deal. My dad's body isn't quite in sync with itself yet and he feels this way almost everyday. It was what she said next that ruined the morning: "He was nauseous all day yesterday too. He must have a bug. "

My heart stopped.

Panic.

My worst fear:

Getting sick.

My mind went back two days to the night my father and I shared a cup of tea. Germs. I could be sick! I checked my temperature. 99.8?! I'm getting sick. I was feeling sick to my stomach, i was shaky and weak. This is horrible. Why me? I drank half an Ensure and a glass of water. I packed my purse with Ensure, my thermometer, bentonite clay... I was prepared. Because I was getting sick. My rational mind was telling me i was fine. I felt fine before i talked to my mom and now all of the sudden I'm sick? Then my irrational mind kicked in again. What if i AM getting sick? What if this is the real thing?

I can tell you that this very same scenario has happened several times. Each time with a suggestion. I feel sick, i get a low grade temp, it GOES AWAY! So I always tell myself, "Next time I'll know this is all in my head and I'll be fine." Not so. Every time it happens, I freak. And again it goes away. I tell my self, "Next time I'll know..."

The difference between yesterday and the times before it was that yesterday I didn't keep how I was feeling a secret. I immediately told Terry how I felt. I explained it all. I took a "chill" pill and hoped it kick in soon. My mom finally got there and I told her how I felt. She tried to reassure me. It wasn't helping. We dropped Talula off at school and then mom asked if I wanted to go get lunch. Not really. I was sick. I shouldn't eat. She said I should try and we went down to Betty's. Literally as we were sitting down my "chill" pill was kicking in and my stomach was growling. That was that! It was over.

When we got to my therapist i told him about my episode. He asked me to describe it in one word. I picked "Horrible."


He said, " Hmm, really? It was horrible?"


I said "Yes."


He sat for a second and then asked, " If you got in an accident, and lost your hand, could you say that was horrible?"


"Absolutely."


"So...would you say that feeling sick is horrible like losing a hand?"


Hm. Well said sir. Well said.


He said I needed to think of it in a new way. I needed a new vocabulary to describe it. Words can be very powerful. "Uncomfortable" is the new word.



This morning, I'm feeling comfortable.

Blessings

The Truth Starting Now

Ive been awake for about three hours. Its wednesday. I had a fairly decent night of sleep but i feel so tired still. I've had my morning Rx "cocktail" and am hoping it kicks in soon. A lot of nerves this morning.  I have one snoring baby laying next to me and two kitty babys at my feet. They have gone on a hunger strike recently and keep giving me guilt trips. We bought a little bag of a different kind of cat food to hold us over until we could get their regular stuff, and now they wont eat their regular food. silly kitties. This is probably a good thing for my twenty pound cat...

Monday was my first day visiting my psychiatrist. My brother drove me in. He's buddy buddy with everyone there...our whole family goes to see him so he knows a lot of my family history already. He looks like Mathew Broderick. Distracting. I filled out a ton of paperwork. It was like taking the SAT's. There were questions i couldn't even answer and they were questions about me! I Finally finished the paperwork and went on to meet my Dr. Very nice. Wore a pink shirt.  I like him. I basically did all of the talking. I expected him to ask more questions but he mostly just listened. He's concerned about my sleep. After he said that he turned around and said "Don't worry about your sleep." Uh...What? He told me that (in my case) sleep should not be looked at as a treasure of something that I MUST have...just sleep when I'm tired. He also told me that being awake is nothing to be afraid of. I shouldn't be telling my self, " It's one o'clock in the morning i NEED to sleep!" He said if i cant sleep then its no biggie. Don't lie in bed awake for more than half an hour. After that get up and do something different. When I'm tired, go to sleep... I'm keeping a sleeping log now. And I'm actually going to be seeing my psychiatrist twice a week instead of once a week. He prescribed a new med. Yay. I have a really hard time keeping them all straight. I have to write on the bottles what they are used for and when I should be taking them. I get confused and out of sorts very easy. I'm also really clumsy. Tipsy drunk clumsy. Falling over, leaning to one side, losing my balance and running into things. I may need to be prescribed a helmet. 

After the appointment my brother took me to lunch. it was nice to just sit and be with him because it doesn't happen very often anymore. He took me to Dairy Queen and bought me a blizzard :) Yum. And then we decided to drive the historic highway and listen to music and look at the waterfalls. We had a great conversation and over all it was a good day. 

Tuesday My mom came over a little early to pick me up for my appointments. Terry and I had had a nice short talk before she got there. He told me he really misses the old me. The one who smiled and was outgoing and funny. He said he didn't get to know that person very long. It was hard to hear but also nice to know that he cares so much. When Talula was born Terry and I had only been together 4 months. We moved in and LIFE happened. It happened a lot and ferociously. The real world. I was a mom now. Not just to my newborn daughter but to five other children that were old enough to form their own opinions about things. I thank God everyday that i ended up with a man with lovely kids. I love them all and now I have a grandson to add to the mix. Wow. LIFE.

Mom and I went to betty's and got a quick brunch and then headed off to my therapist. The focus of this meeting was changing my mind set. My mind set is that i tend to imagine what other people are thinking about me. Its never good things that they are thinking, its always something bad. I'm not sure why I'm like this but i am constantly trying to figure out where i stand with people. What they think of me. It brings a lot of anxiety on. HUGE. Michael (my therapist) said that i needed to write on paper over and over that i don't care what other people are thinking of me. When i see someone and those feelings start to come up, wondering if they are mad at me, or hate me so on and so on, i can change my mindset to " I don't care what they think about me."  He also asked me to come up with an image to go with this  new mind set. Something that i could imagine and have a wave of calm come over me. He asked me where i would be and i instantly said Greece. He told me to write out a scene that i could visualize when these feelings arise. 

I sit at the end of a dock and listen to the nighttime sounds. I mostly hear the ocean and a few chatterings from the small village on the cliffside of the island. The village is still lit with the tender light of those few still awake. The moon is full and lights up the sea and the surrounding hills. A light breeze is at my face. I lay down and look up at the stars. I am in awe of this universe. I can still hear the ocean. I can hear the far away rush of waves and the gentle lapping beneath the dock. Peace washes over me. 

cryer. I'm ugly. I cant talk and the more i do the more i cry.... He asked me to rate people in my life that i don't want to cry in front of. 1 was i didn't care that i cried in front of them and 10 was that i absolutely did everything in my power not to cry in front of them.

10) Anywhere at work

9) My dad

7) My brother

5) My very close friends. 

3) My mom

1) Terry

My poor husband sees me cry A LOT! 

Michael asked me not to hold back these feelings. Crying is very therapeutic and cleansing. Don't hold it back. If i feel like crying, then i shall. 

We also talked about meditation and some of the spirituality that i want to bring into my life. He suggested a hermitage in white salmon. I could meet with the monks and talk to them, ask questions, practice meditation. Exactly what i want. 

Time with Michael was running short and it was off to my appointment with Dr. Laura. This appointment was to assess my migraines and see if they were true migraines or cluster headaches. Turns out they are true migraines. she prescribed Imotrex but there is a risk of serotonin syndrome because of the anti depressants i am taking. Bummer. Dr. Laura released me into my psychiatrists care and said she didn't need to see me for a while. a couple months. Panic washed over me. she has been my beacon. I NEED to see her. I told her this and she said with a smile, "I'll see you in two weeks." Love her. 

Mom and I went to rosauers to have some more paperwork filled out and faxed off. I hadn't been in there forever. I got at least 5 super long hugs. The kind of hugs that are emotional, a genuine sharing of love. Not just a hug. People told me they loved me and missed me. Wow. 

Mom took me back to her house. I wanted to see my dad and brother. Jerry was gone at a friends house but my dad was there. He hugged me. For a long time. so tight like he didn't want to let go. I was happy.  Talula ran around for awhile and played with her toys. Dad got up at one point and said he was going to go sit on the front porch. I asked if i could join him. He poured himself a cup of tea and we went outside. We shared the tea and just sat and talked. Sharing something with someone can be so therapeutic. Whether its tea, or food, or stories, kisses, hugs, touches, holding hands-you are sharing love with that person. 

Mom and dad had gone to the outlet mall in troutdale the day before. My dad bought me socks. My favorite brand. They were funky and had Halloween stuff on them. Black cats and skulls and pumpkins :) so sweet. 

Wednesday did not start out great. I got caught up writing and didn't have Talula ready in time to go to school. Everything was rushed and panic washed over me. Not good. After Terry and Talula got out the door I broke down. My friend Melin was going to come up and see me, she offered to clean my house. I told her today was not a great day to come up. I called my mom hoping she was home. They were in hood river doing tests on my dad. I was so sad and lonely.I called my friend melissa and talked to her for awhile. I was feeling sick. I loaded up on my meds and went to bed. I stayed there all day. I woke up, ate some cheese and crackers, took a shower, Loaded up on more meds and went back to sleep. But only for two hours. 

Thursday begins....

Love you all.