Tally Up Your Scars

How peculiar it is
That black hole at the center of you
suffocating you
You tear away at the air around you Reaching
Gasping
Burning
On fire
And when crying isn't good enough
When you've walked in circles trying to find your way back
And you can't...
The knife comes out
The needles, and the swords
The branding iron, the fists, and the guns
The artillery, the guillotine, and the executioner
You bleed
A sigh of relief
You are here
Time to heal and rest
You have more to do
The scars will form in time
Then you will be able start all over again with new ones

It Isn't Hard To Remember

If I think about it, it isn't hart to remember
Remember our closeness, our friendship
It may have meant more to me than it did to you
If so, you fooled me
A decade can seem like a lifetime
Growing up, learning, changing
Babies, weddings, tears
How do you throw that away?
A click of a mouse
A dial tone
Silence
Deleted. 
I can't shake it
That nauseating heat at the middle of my chest
A tugging on all sides
Months and months and months and months
Still hurts
Still makes me cry
I have nightmares about you
I have dreams about you
No matter how hard I try to forget you like you have forgotten me
you
are
always
there
I can pretend it doesn't bother me to see your number in my phone
That I don't cringe and feel heartbroken when I see your picture
I want to hate you! I really do!
Because you took something from me that meant the world to me
Our friendship
It meant the world to me
You were my family
Everyone struggles. 
We all do
I know you do too
I wanted to be there for you
Now I have to try and forget about you??
To erase vital parts of the last ten years and expect to feel better?
I never thought in a million years, that one day you would not be a part of my life
We were close. So close.
If you think about it, it isn't hard to remember. 

Know that when you leave,
By blood and by me, you walk like a thief,
By blood and by me, and I fall when you leave.

Ain't Nobody Got Time Fo That!

 




      I shouldn't write blog posts when Im in deep dark caverns of my soul. The goal of this blog was to spread awareness and educate people about anxiety and depression, as it is such a taboo subject. I have found myself going from raw honesty, to wanting to hold back. No ones got time fo that! I need to remind myself that in not being honest to the reader, I cant be honest with myself and my recovery.            Today I find myself in the deep dark ugliness. You think people hurt you, until a FAMILY member    hurts you, and you realize all of those other hurts didn't matter. It is the worst kind of hurts. When someone hurts you that you didn't like anyway, or have no real connection with, you can let it roll right off your back. Now, when someone you love, care about deeply hurts you, its like this tearing feeling at the middle of your chest. It is actually indescribable. Awful. 
     I feel that communication is so huge in relationships. It helps you to form bonds, coexist, keep things real. When there is no communication, and the waters get stagnant, you never know what may grow in those swampy waters. Rumors, lies, assumptions. How are you to ever know what is reality? Talk to someone. Talk to each other. Damnit. Its so simple! But why don't we do it? Why do we sometimes choose to be so angry at someone we haven't talked to? I know it. You all know it. Say it with me : "There are always two sides to a story." You start wading around in that stagnant water and it will lead you around and around and get you nowhere. As mad as you may be, as much as you would like to stomp around that water and be mad because you think you have reasons, you need to step out and help that water to flow. You may find that you were mad for no reason, it was a misunderstanding, or something someone told someone who told someone else and then told you. Maybe it was made up. Maybe you made it up. When I am feeling this way I go to the person and try to figure it out. So maybe they are mad at me, or said something terrible, but at least now I know. And I heard it from them directly and not someone else. A year ago I would have done just the opposite. I would have let it fester and poison me. I had a very hard time approaching people. It got me nowhere. Now when I feel like something is off, I call that person up, write them an email, check in. I usually feel better when I know how they are feeling.  THE END.
     I'll get around to writing another blog when Im feeling better. All of my positivity has drained out of the bottom of my feet. Things are really good, on most days, during most hours. Im happier. 

Do the Bad Times Good

      Its mid August. Hotter that a hooker on a friday night. Im emotional. Could be the heat, could be PMS, could be life. I started reflecting on the last four years of my life. Lots of really great times. Happiness and love. Experiencing new things. Becoming a mom. What an adventure! There are also a lot of lows. Being hurt, hurting loved ones. Dealing with something I couldn't comprehend. It's funny how things happen in your life and you think there is no rhyme or reason. You can't understand why this is happening to you, or why you do or say things that don't make sense. For some people, this will go on their entire lives. They will suffer day in and day out, wandering thru life, lost. Others, like myself, will get answers. Their entire lives will change, making things clear, or clearer. It wont fix things, but you will be able to look back on those dizzying, sad, crazy moments, and just maybe, make sense of them. Hopefully you will be able to move forward in life applying this knowledge to your everyday life. 

     I opened up recently to someone, explaining in detail every moment and feeling I've had in recent years.What an undertaking! It was painful to write, painful to look at. I barely made it thru. And when I was done, silence was the reply. I lost myself in that moment. Someone once told me to do the bad times good. I did the bad times BAD. I punished myself for all the raw emotion and truth. Ouch. And still they love me thru and thru. Hm. I think from now on, I will save analyzing my past for the couch. Really, the past is the past, and I cannot change it. No matter how hard I try. 

     I turn to art. A different kind of medicine.  Music and photography are huge for me right now. I can't think of a better therapy. I also watch Ugly Betty in the evenings after my daughter has gone to bed. Don't judge, its my guilty pleasure and I love it!

      Last week I was visiting Wallowa Lake; a family summer tradition. It was so amazing to sit by the lake, in the shadows of the slopes shaped by a passing glacier. Amazing. I watched my baby girl take to the water like an old pro. No fear in that girl. The splashed away, played with the rocks, and chased after some unlucky geese. If everyday could be so simple. No time, no responsibility. A quiet and special time with nature and my family. I am making it a priority now that we are home, to spend lots of time at the water. It is soothing for the soul. I think that is true for most people. If you can do at least one thing a day that makes you happy, you are doing pretty good.

      I leave you with a song. One that makes me feel pretty darn good. Brings my courage up a notch. Enjoy. 

In Time

Scary faces, 7/16/12

So much time has passed. I feel like I have so much to say. I look at my last blog and I wish I hadn't written it. Too much? I don't know. These days I hold back. I stay away. I close myself off to opportunities. I'm afraid. I fear that I will be looked down upon, judged on my appearance, called ugly, fat, disgusting behind my back. I do all of my shopping after dark. I do my exercise after dark. I do laundry after dark. I don't even want to run into my neighbors. I don't know why I feel this way. I just know that I used to like what I saw in the mirror. I liked to be in pictures. I liked dressing up and going places. I am not that person right now. A year of constant medication changes, crippling anxiety, and all this weight is on me. I don't know this person I have become. In February after my hospitalization, I was feeling better about life. Confidant, ready to change. I was going to start running again. I was excited. I sprained my ankle and I was out of the game. I only thought it would take a few weeks to heal. It's been almost six months. Now I am so behind that I feel its too late. My rational mind says otherwise. My rational mind knows its not too late, it never is. My rational mind KNOWS I can do it. I've done it before. 65lbs in six months. I think of that and get down on myself. I could be there right now! All of that other stuff doesn't matter. This is my focus now. Not just to loose weight but be confident. Something I have NEVER been. I want to walk tall, take compliments by saying " thank you," and feel good in my skin. Talula says I'm beautiful. If only everyone would tell me that! So far she's the only one. I love my daughter to the ends of the earth, that will never change, but it's really hard to love anyone else when you have no love for yourself. You don't appreciate yourself. So, in time, I will get there. I will jog at night, and hopefully emerge victorious when the sunrises again. 

After 6 months, Im still struggling. Week 1, & 2

The past month has been a ride. Sometimes it was a Joy ride, and other times it was A hell ride. I intend to explain five weeks of time that seemingly passed unnoticed by anyone other that my close family. I am, and always be, truthful about my situation and strugles. I almost didn't log on to here, afraid of what someone would think of me. That's just not how i roll. 




WEEK 1: FEBRUARY 8TH - FEBRUARY 15TH


I was feeling amazing. What an incredible six months I had! Growing and learning about myself, healing and opening up. I was right on track. My first day back to work was cake. It was a friday and i worked my butt off. I was there to work, not to make friends. Saturday the 10th was my second day. Again, I was there to work. At around 10am I got a call from my husband. Talula was throwing up. TRIGGER! I immediately went into panic mode. I tried deep breathing, self talk, and any thing else i could think of to distract my mind. I went back to what I was doing and tried to give it all of my attention. It did not work. Tears were now streaming down my face. No one could see me like this. So weak and fragile; freaking out. Where had those six months gone? Was i not working on myself for such a long period away? No one could see. I walked past my boss and not looking said I had to go. I kept on walking. Next thing I know im being called up to the office. I was out of control at this point. They said I was rude. It probably seemed that way but not my intention. I explained...The questions kept coming and i was backed up against the wall.  Just then a little gesture triggered my already buzzing mind. I flipped a lid. The pent up anger, anguish, and emotion of the previous six months came flying out of my mouth. I was shaking and crying a raising my voice. It was not good. Not in any way, shape, or form. I went to the rest room to catch my breath. I couldn't stop the crying. I made it home with the help of my friend. One and a half days. Thats all the work i could handle. The rest of the days passed with a cover of guilt and shame. I slept, isolated, and harmed myself. Back at the bottom. No, below that.




WEEK 2: FEBRUARY 15TH - FEBRUARY 22ND


This week was hell. I had police knocking on my door twice, an ER visit, a psych evaluation, and 24/7 watch. I hated it. I was so unhappy with myself. I felt like i failed as a human, and as a mom. I saw doctors and therapist. It did not seem to help. I was getting irritated that I had to be followed everywhere. The only alone time i got was about an hour when I yelled at my mom to leave. She threatened to call the police. I had no idea how that would benifit. I tried to convince her I was ok, and after about two hours of back and forth, she left. Seeing a therapist once a week was not helping. I was still down, still harming myself, and still mad at myself. A vicious circle. My mother called around and tried to see if there was any kind of inpatient program I could get into. I needed to be surrounded by healing vibes and someone professional to talk to 24/7. I needed to learn coping skills. She found a place in Beaverton that was highly recommended. I packed my bags just in case they admitted me. By 6 o'clock I was officially a patient at Cedar Hills Hospital: Mental Health and Chemical Dependency Care. 

Business is good!

Unknown

.MY HEART ACHES FOR THINGS THAT ARE BEYOND MY CONTROL.

My Hearts Desire

.LOVE.

"Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever...”

.PASSION.

.MY HEARTS DESIRE.

I love words. Strung together, however the matter, and it becomes poetry. Write a melody to go with that poetry and magic is made. Music. Emotion that cannot be simply spoken, can blossom before you with music. I could listen to poetry or music for hours on end, feeling it deep inside my chest. My mind whirling with images. When I write screen plays, music becomes my muse. I write every scene, every look, every move of the actors to music. Today I find myself once again inspired by words, music, pictures. Its all so powerful to me. Despite my current situation, I am content. Happy. I feel that the future holds many great opportunities for me. New doors are opening up and my heart is ready to receive whatever awaits me. I have no wrong or right answers to anything right now. What I do know is that i will live, love and be loved, explore, venture out, create, be, reach out and touch somebody, sing, smile, kiss softly, mean what I say, breath in the moments, clear my mind, open my eyes, cry, stand on tip toes, stretch, read poetry, write poetry, imagine, tell, be brave, and find peace. 

Go. 

.MAGIC.

.SOUL.

"Here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(Here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)"

E. E. Cummings

.LIFE, BREATH, BLOOD, SPIRIT.

The Truth: Now and Forever

                                                           

                                                           

12 Symptoms of a Spiritual Awakening

1. An increased tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.

                               2. Frequent attacks of smiling  

3. Feelings of being connected with others and nature.

4. Frequent overwhelming episodes of appreciation.  

5. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than from fears based on past experience 

6. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.  

7. A loss of ability to worry. 

8. A loss of interest in conflict.

9. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others   

10. A loss of interest in judging others  

11. A loss of interest in judging self 

12. Gaining the ability to love without expecting anything in return.

This year in cell phone pictures

Snowpocalypse

New me, new haircut

New tattoo, no shoe 

Reconnecting with sweet friends

Healing necklace from Mom & Dad

Beauty in Sadness

I haven't blogged in a long while-and for good reason. I have nothing to say. No. I don't know what to say. 2012 has not been kind thus far. I do however feel that this noose around my neck, ever tightening, this squeezing and tugging at my middle, will somehow save me again. Like my mom always used to say when we were cleaning our rooms; " It has to get messy before it gets clean!" She was right. We'd pull out everything and move it to the middle of the room, going from box to box, sorting out things we needed and things we didn't. I am doing that now. Sorting. I have a lot to do and its going to get real messy. I may throw everything out and start over. Build it up again from the ground up. Time will tell. The snow is coming down now. Softly and quiet like owls flying thru the forest. I've never experienced anything so quiet-as if sound never existed. The snow is beautiful and cold. Peaceful. I wish i could lay down in a drift of snow, naked, and sink into a numbing dream. Peaceful.

I watched Melancholia the other day. It is beauty, emotion, raw, and perfectly haunting. I felt every tear, every bit of anger, love and fear right along with the characters. I was experiencing it. When it ended I felt awful. I mean that in the best way possible, if that even makes sense. I wish I could have made this film. I sympathized with the character Justine the most. She battles with manic depressive disorder thru-out the film. Her sister is her caretaker and in the end Justine ends up caring for her sister. Every frame of this film was like a photograph. I absolutely loved it. There is beauty in sadness. This film is a perfect example of that.