Inspired

Terry and I were hired to photograph a wedding this weekend. I can tell you honestly that I was worried i wouldn't be able to do it. I felt my artistic eye was blinded. I hadn't been around that many people in awhile and was quite nervous that the stress of the day would do me in. I was in no mood for picture taking. Haven't been for awhile. We got to the venue and i realized I had nothing to worry about. It was a gorgeous wedding. We had a great time and we totally kicked ass. Ive only looked at the pics I took but I cant wait to see what Terry took. We make a great team. I catch things he misses and he does the same for me. I was psyched to see how great the photos turned out that Ive been up nearly all night editing and sending them off for printing. I guess you could say my spark has been re-ignited. I feel alive tonight. This is my passion. I hate that i lost it for so long.

The Purist Love: Animal and Child

Love. This warms my heart no matter what condition my mind is in. 

Talula and Snugman

A week of growth

 This last week has been a lot of things. Emotional, tiring, difficult, happy, sad, and eye-opening. Everyday is still a struggle. A struggle to live, to eat, to bring myself back to normal, whatever that means. I live moment by moment. I guess i could say that this was the week that i feel I've made three steps forward and only two back, instead of two steps forward and three back. 

PAIN

New things come to light everyday, and one of the issues that i realized i was dealing with was self mutilation. I'm not a severe case, i don't do it for attention, and I'm not trying to kill myself. It is a way to ease other pains. Its a release. The other night i ended up going too far and freaked myself out so bad that i was thrown into a panic attack. I called my mom and she came to help me. I was so ashamed. It was like i caught myself doing it and realized, "What the hell am i doing?!" I'm working on this, and have talked to my therapist and my psychiatrist. Another hurdle. 

JOY

The other day when mom and i were out going to appointments and running errands, we stopped by PetCo to show T all of the animals. We ended up falling in love with two kitties there. The next day we went out to Home at Last to meet with the kitties one on one. One of the cats ended up being a fighter, and we fell in love with a black and white kitten named "Chris" instead.  His name is now Jimmy after my grandfather. Jimmy was born on my grandpas birthday. Not only was this a great day for my family because we adopted a new pet, but it was an overwhelming experience for me. I walked away from there bursting with joy. I held and cuddled EVERY SINGLE ONE of those cats and had a perma-grin the whole time. Best therapy i had had ever. I was high. On cats. <3 The people at home at last said I could come back and hang out whenever i wanted. I'm going tomorrow :)

CONNECTION

I love my dad. But we rarely hang out just he and I. We used to, but not any more. I really wanted to reconnect with him and get to know him better. I invited him over to my house, lit some candles and made the house all cozy. T was sleeping so we got to talk just one on one. It was hard at first to find things to talk about. I showed him some of our antiques, talked to him about herbal medicine and how much it means to me. I hate being on prescriptions. I feel like I'm poisoning my body. He was here for two hours and i was immensely happy. I felt warm and peaceful after he left. I look forward to our next "date."

TEST

On Terry's last day off, I told him i wanted to go to Portland and see how much I could take. I need to start thinking about going back to work and  building up my stamina. We went to the outlet mall and walked the entire thing. I was doing ok until we ran into a crowd of people. I had to take a xanex. Then we drove downtown to an antique shop and ended up at the Portland flea market. I was starting to get hungry and anxious and so this was a rushed stop. We got to the Clackamas mall and ate. I took another xanex and some excederine because i was starting to get a headache. The caffeine in the excederine gave me a burst of energy and i was able to make it thru the whole mall. The crowds were bothering me and  if Terry left my side id start to freak. I'm so thankful he was there to watch over me and keep me calm. I did it. A 12 hour day. I was beat and crawled right into bed when i got home. 

REPAIR

I have had a strong urge to reach out to people. People that i haven't talked to in a long time. Maybe there was a misunderstanding or some hurt. One of the people that i really want to reach out to is Talula's biological grandpa. From the beginning he never really wanted anything to do with us. For three years he has never once reached out to us. I have a feeling that it has a lot to do with what T's biological dad was telling him. But I don't know this for sure...so I want to sort it out. Ive been feeling lately that he and his wife have wanted to be a part of T's life but there is a lot of hurt on my part that needs healing. We're getting together Saturday and I couldn't be more excited. I think good things will come from this. 

THANKFUL

This morning as i was going thru our mail i found a letter from my union. Inside was a check for my disability that i have been waiting on. I broke down in tears. My husband cried with me. I've had nothing for months and have been strongly relying on my parents to help us out, which they have been doing happily, knowing that we had no choice. Groceries and doctors bills, my parents have had to fork it over for that stuff. I feel guilty. I went to my therapy meeting and did some hypno-therapy. I came out of it feeling peaceful and happy. I then went to visit my twins, I love them both so much and they made my day. Melin cut my hair and offered to feed us. I loved being surrounded by them and their genuine love for me. I then went grocery shopping because i had MONEY! FINALLY! I bought a bouquet of flowers and some chocolate to take to my family. I drove up to my parents and before i went in I stuffed 5 $100 bills into the bouquet. I gave the flowers to my mom and and told her thank you for everything. She didn't notice the money.  I sat in the living room with my brother and dad while my mom went into the kitchen and put the flowers in a vase. I heard her yell my name but i didn't respond. She came out into the living room in tears and hugged me. We both cried. I told her i wished i could do more and how thankful i am for everything they have done for me. We all sat in the living room and talked for about an hour. I love my family so much. 

I lot more happened than this...this is mostly the good and happy things. It's what I'm trying to focus on. I have a long way to go still and am thankful for everyones support. 

LOVE: Everything a mother has for her child.

I revised my previous poem to better reflect my true feelings. I took out "worry" and replaced it with "LOVE."

I like this version much better.

This is a silhouette of the most precious being i have ever known. Those cheeks belong to my eternal love, my baby, my heart. She wont stay this little long, and she will get bigger. She will want to go places, explore the world, tread a path to her future. I will never stop loving her and where her imagination will take her. I loved her before I met her, I loved her when she was tiny and pink and new. I love her everyday. It will never stop. This love consumes me and the love i have for her runs deeper than any part of my own flesh. She is a part of me. She is my everything. My sweet, soft, silly girl. I love every bone in your body and the spirit that surrounds you. I could never kiss your tender cheeks enough. Love, Mommy

The Greatest Love of All: My Talula

These shoes hold the most precious feet i have ever known. Those feet belong to my eternal love, my baby, my heart. These shoes wont fit her long, and she will get bigger. Her shoes will take her places, explore the world, tread a path to her future. I will never stop worrying about where her shoes will take her. I worried about her before I met her, I worried about her when she was tiny and pink and new. I worry about her everyday. It will never stop. This worry consumes me and the love i have for her runs deeper than any part of my own flesh. She is a part of me. She is my everything. My sweet, soft, silly girl. I love every bone in your body and the spirit that surrounds you. I could never kiss your tender cheeks enough. Love, Mommy

My spiritual experience: Connecting to Earths Energy.

                                        

   Taken on August 28th, 2011 by Shannon Smith

Standing under a pink sky, my wide angle directed above me. I stood. Still and quiet. I let the rain pour over me, my skin drenched and cleansed. Warm wind around me. Thunder shook me. And then, as my heart began to flutter, a dazzling web of silver splintered across the sky. Power. Energy. Love. This morning means everything, and i cannot equate a more powerful experience to this.

The power of suggestion

Yesterday was an early rise for me. Two appointments to get to and a few errands with my mom. I slept only two hours that night but was wide awake. I blogged :) I called my mom to verify our meeting time and she wasn't sure because my dad was feeling nauseous today. She had to make sure he was settled in first. This news was no big deal. My dad's body isn't quite in sync with itself yet and he feels this way almost everyday. It was what she said next that ruined the morning: "He was nauseous all day yesterday too. He must have a bug. "

My heart stopped.

Panic.

My worst fear:

Getting sick.

My mind went back two days to the night my father and I shared a cup of tea. Germs. I could be sick! I checked my temperature. 99.8?! I'm getting sick. I was feeling sick to my stomach, i was shaky and weak. This is horrible. Why me? I drank half an Ensure and a glass of water. I packed my purse with Ensure, my thermometer, bentonite clay... I was prepared. Because I was getting sick. My rational mind was telling me i was fine. I felt fine before i talked to my mom and now all of the sudden I'm sick? Then my irrational mind kicked in again. What if i AM getting sick? What if this is the real thing?

I can tell you that this very same scenario has happened several times. Each time with a suggestion. I feel sick, i get a low grade temp, it GOES AWAY! So I always tell myself, "Next time I'll know this is all in my head and I'll be fine." Not so. Every time it happens, I freak. And again it goes away. I tell my self, "Next time I'll know..."

The difference between yesterday and the times before it was that yesterday I didn't keep how I was feeling a secret. I immediately told Terry how I felt. I explained it all. I took a "chill" pill and hoped it kick in soon. My mom finally got there and I told her how I felt. She tried to reassure me. It wasn't helping. We dropped Talula off at school and then mom asked if I wanted to go get lunch. Not really. I was sick. I shouldn't eat. She said I should try and we went down to Betty's. Literally as we were sitting down my "chill" pill was kicking in and my stomach was growling. That was that! It was over.

When we got to my therapist i told him about my episode. He asked me to describe it in one word. I picked "Horrible."


He said, " Hmm, really? It was horrible?"


I said "Yes."


He sat for a second and then asked, " If you got in an accident, and lost your hand, could you say that was horrible?"


"Absolutely."


"So...would you say that feeling sick is horrible like losing a hand?"


Hm. Well said sir. Well said.


He said I needed to think of it in a new way. I needed a new vocabulary to describe it. Words can be very powerful. "Uncomfortable" is the new word.



This morning, I'm feeling comfortable.

Blessings

The Truth Starting Now

Ive been awake for about three hours. Its wednesday. I had a fairly decent night of sleep but i feel so tired still. I've had my morning Rx "cocktail" and am hoping it kicks in soon. A lot of nerves this morning.  I have one snoring baby laying next to me and two kitty babys at my feet. They have gone on a hunger strike recently and keep giving me guilt trips. We bought a little bag of a different kind of cat food to hold us over until we could get their regular stuff, and now they wont eat their regular food. silly kitties. This is probably a good thing for my twenty pound cat...

Monday was my first day visiting my psychiatrist. My brother drove me in. He's buddy buddy with everyone there...our whole family goes to see him so he knows a lot of my family history already. He looks like Mathew Broderick. Distracting. I filled out a ton of paperwork. It was like taking the SAT's. There were questions i couldn't even answer and they were questions about me! I Finally finished the paperwork and went on to meet my Dr. Very nice. Wore a pink shirt.  I like him. I basically did all of the talking. I expected him to ask more questions but he mostly just listened. He's concerned about my sleep. After he said that he turned around and said "Don't worry about your sleep." Uh...What? He told me that (in my case) sleep should not be looked at as a treasure of something that I MUST have...just sleep when I'm tired. He also told me that being awake is nothing to be afraid of. I shouldn't be telling my self, " It's one o'clock in the morning i NEED to sleep!" He said if i cant sleep then its no biggie. Don't lie in bed awake for more than half an hour. After that get up and do something different. When I'm tired, go to sleep... I'm keeping a sleeping log now. And I'm actually going to be seeing my psychiatrist twice a week instead of once a week. He prescribed a new med. Yay. I have a really hard time keeping them all straight. I have to write on the bottles what they are used for and when I should be taking them. I get confused and out of sorts very easy. I'm also really clumsy. Tipsy drunk clumsy. Falling over, leaning to one side, losing my balance and running into things. I may need to be prescribed a helmet. 

After the appointment my brother took me to lunch. it was nice to just sit and be with him because it doesn't happen very often anymore. He took me to Dairy Queen and bought me a blizzard :) Yum. And then we decided to drive the historic highway and listen to music and look at the waterfalls. We had a great conversation and over all it was a good day. 

Tuesday My mom came over a little early to pick me up for my appointments. Terry and I had had a nice short talk before she got there. He told me he really misses the old me. The one who smiled and was outgoing and funny. He said he didn't get to know that person very long. It was hard to hear but also nice to know that he cares so much. When Talula was born Terry and I had only been together 4 months. We moved in and LIFE happened. It happened a lot and ferociously. The real world. I was a mom now. Not just to my newborn daughter but to five other children that were old enough to form their own opinions about things. I thank God everyday that i ended up with a man with lovely kids. I love them all and now I have a grandson to add to the mix. Wow. LIFE.

Mom and I went to betty's and got a quick brunch and then headed off to my therapist. The focus of this meeting was changing my mind set. My mind set is that i tend to imagine what other people are thinking about me. Its never good things that they are thinking, its always something bad. I'm not sure why I'm like this but i am constantly trying to figure out where i stand with people. What they think of me. It brings a lot of anxiety on. HUGE. Michael (my therapist) said that i needed to write on paper over and over that i don't care what other people are thinking of me. When i see someone and those feelings start to come up, wondering if they are mad at me, or hate me so on and so on, i can change my mindset to " I don't care what they think about me."  He also asked me to come up with an image to go with this  new mind set. Something that i could imagine and have a wave of calm come over me. He asked me where i would be and i instantly said Greece. He told me to write out a scene that i could visualize when these feelings arise. 

I sit at the end of a dock and listen to the nighttime sounds. I mostly hear the ocean and a few chatterings from the small village on the cliffside of the island. The village is still lit with the tender light of those few still awake. The moon is full and lights up the sea and the surrounding hills. A light breeze is at my face. I lay down and look up at the stars. I am in awe of this universe. I can still hear the ocean. I can hear the far away rush of waves and the gentle lapping beneath the dock. Peace washes over me. 

cryer. I'm ugly. I cant talk and the more i do the more i cry.... He asked me to rate people in my life that i don't want to cry in front of. 1 was i didn't care that i cried in front of them and 10 was that i absolutely did everything in my power not to cry in front of them.

10) Anywhere at work

9) My dad

7) My brother

5) My very close friends. 

3) My mom

1) Terry

My poor husband sees me cry A LOT! 

Michael asked me not to hold back these feelings. Crying is very therapeutic and cleansing. Don't hold it back. If i feel like crying, then i shall. 

We also talked about meditation and some of the spirituality that i want to bring into my life. He suggested a hermitage in white salmon. I could meet with the monks and talk to them, ask questions, practice meditation. Exactly what i want. 

Time with Michael was running short and it was off to my appointment with Dr. Laura. This appointment was to assess my migraines and see if they were true migraines or cluster headaches. Turns out they are true migraines. she prescribed Imotrex but there is a risk of serotonin syndrome because of the anti depressants i am taking. Bummer. Dr. Laura released me into my psychiatrists care and said she didn't need to see me for a while. a couple months. Panic washed over me. she has been my beacon. I NEED to see her. I told her this and she said with a smile, "I'll see you in two weeks." Love her. 

Mom and I went to rosauers to have some more paperwork filled out and faxed off. I hadn't been in there forever. I got at least 5 super long hugs. The kind of hugs that are emotional, a genuine sharing of love. Not just a hug. People told me they loved me and missed me. Wow. 

Mom took me back to her house. I wanted to see my dad and brother. Jerry was gone at a friends house but my dad was there. He hugged me. For a long time. so tight like he didn't want to let go. I was happy.  Talula ran around for awhile and played with her toys. Dad got up at one point and said he was going to go sit on the front porch. I asked if i could join him. He poured himself a cup of tea and we went outside. We shared the tea and just sat and talked. Sharing something with someone can be so therapeutic. Whether its tea, or food, or stories, kisses, hugs, touches, holding hands-you are sharing love with that person. 

Mom and dad had gone to the outlet mall in troutdale the day before. My dad bought me socks. My favorite brand. They were funky and had Halloween stuff on them. Black cats and skulls and pumpkins :) so sweet. 

Wednesday did not start out great. I got caught up writing and didn't have Talula ready in time to go to school. Everything was rushed and panic washed over me. Not good. After Terry and Talula got out the door I broke down. My friend Melin was going to come up and see me, she offered to clean my house. I told her today was not a great day to come up. I called my mom hoping she was home. They were in hood river doing tests on my dad. I was so sad and lonely.I called my friend melissa and talked to her for awhile. I was feeling sick. I loaded up on my meds and went to bed. I stayed there all day. I woke up, ate some cheese and crackers, took a shower, Loaded up on more meds and went back to sleep. But only for two hours. 

Thursday begins....

Love you all.

Being true to myself for the first time in my life

Ive wanted to to tell you something...anything, but i couldn't. I was embarrassed, ashamed, in denial, and sleeping nearly 20 hours a day. If you have asked me how i was, or if they found out what was wrong with me, i probably lied to you. I probably said " Not sure, still working on it" or " I have extreme fatigue" but it is all a LIE. I mean c'mon, what working mother doesn't have extreme fatigue? We're always tired! I can hear you say to yourself, " I wish i could take three months off work to take naps all day long..." I don't know what else to say to you anymore. I don't like thinking about what you might be "thinking" about me. So...here is my update, my official diagnosis. The REAL deal. My mom probably wont like that I've posted this, and neither will my husband. They will say, its nobodys business. And thats true, except...i guess i have come to terms with this "issue" and feel like maybe if i share, others wont be so ashamed to come forward and share their story.

It was such a beautiful day. Sunny but not too hot, blue sky, slight breeze. Terry and I both had the day off, a miracle in it's self. We decided to take Talula to Eagle creek and let her play in the water. There weren't too many people there, and T was having a blast throwing rocks. she met another little girl and made a friend. I was taking pictures, Terry was trying to teach talula how to skip rocks. A perfect day with my family. And then it hit me, a wave of heat and nausea. I felt my knees going weak. Those of you who know me well know that i very rarely share symptoms with people if I'm feeling ill because i believe that adds power to the illness. I said nothing to Terry except that i was ready to go. We got to the car and i just sat there in the seat, trying to talk myself out of whatever was going on. I drank some water, checked facebook, i was trying to change the subject. We were supposed to go up to crown point and go check out the fire damage at the Viewpoint inn. I Told him i was ready to go home. By this point i was having troubles breathing, i thought my heart would explode, and i was shaking. I closed my eyes and wondered if i was dying. by the time we got to hood river, i felt worse. I told terry to take me to the hospital. I couldn't explain what was happening to me to him and it was frustrating him. I had him call my mom. They did all kinds of tests. Took blood and did an EKG. At the time they figured something was wrong with my heart. My BPM was 145. What i didn't know, and wouldn't know for a few weeks, is that my entire life, 28 years of unresolved anger, sadness, grief, and stress had shot down from the universe and took the energy right out of me. Right there at Eagle Creek on that beautiful July day. A breakdown.

On August 9th I met Dr. Laura for the first time. she was like a goddess, a beam of light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I sat in her office shaking and full of nerves. she was gentle as could be and ordered more blood tests, took a full family history, had me fill out some questionnaires, and just spent time with me. she was the one. The one that would figure it out. A week or two later i went back to see her again. she told me, " Your echo cardiogram was normal, you have a beautiful heart. Its perfect. All your labs came back looking good. Glucose is great, insulin is great, cholesterol is great, liver is great, iron is great..." I could not believe it. It must be wrong. I told my mom at one point that i felt like i was dying. Literally. When cancer patients are at the end of their life, the lose their appetite, they sleep all of the time, they are weak... I must be dying, right? Wrong. What Dr. Laura said next nearly brought me to the floor. " I went over your family history, and i looked over your questionnaire. You scored higher for depression and anxiety disorder than i have ever seen with any other patient. I'm surprised you're even as functional as you are. " she prescribed me a cocktail of meds and sent me on my way, with a follow up in a week. In the meantime i was to stay off work and try to get into a psychiatrist. One of the meds made me feel extremely nauseous and i couldn't eat. The crappy thing about that was i was starting to feel better. I could think more clearly, say what i wanted to say, stay calm. They changed my meds after only a week on the first one. I started to feel more anxious, kind of crazy.Then, something else happened that led to a new discovery. Talula got sick. Puke sick.

Ive always had this thing with puking and germs but it was pretty mild. In December Talula got the stomach flu and i was by her side the whole time. Holding the bowl for her to puke in, bathing her, cleaning up. I took all my supplements that i needed to take and washed my hands and sanitized everything. Two days later I was sick. How did this happen? I should have been able to prevent this? Ever since then Ive become extremely obsessed with being germ free. I was keeping talula away from other kids for fear of getting sick. I would immediately stick her in the tub as soon as she got home from day care and wipe her face with those sanitizing handy wipes. I sanitized everything all of the time. In February we both got sick AGAIN. But this time my co workers were sick and so was my dad. I felt trapped. I had no where safe to go. I started carrying a thermometer everywhere. I had one in my purse, on at home and one in my work apron. Now its August, and Talula is sick. I try to remember if i had shared anything with her in the past two days, gave her kisses on the mouth. I stopped eating. I drank only water and bentonite. I took my temperature so often that i developed a sore under my tongue. I locked myself in my room and didn't see my daughter or husband for a week. I realized at one point i had some severe phobias and OCD. I confirmed this with Dr. Laura at my next appointment. I had lost weight. it was not good. I confessed to my mom and my husband my fears about being sick. I had never said anything to anyone about this before now. I called my best friend melissa in the middle of the night bawling because i was literally losing my mind thinking i was sick. I was at the bottom. I needed to be pulled out of here but everywhere i looked there were germs. My mom finally came to the rescue.

My aunt had been in town for a month working on the Dollar lake fire and i hadn't seen her at all. she was staying at my parents five minutes away. My mom called and told me my aunt was leaving the next day and i should come over. It was 8pm, but my mom said she would come get me. I hadn't brushed my hair in a week and had no idea where my hairbrush was. Talula had gotten her sponge bob blanket out of the dirty laundry which she had puked all over and wrapped it around her. I tossed her in the tub and tried to find a brush. Mom got there and i was crying. I needed to brush my hair and T needed a bath. I went to see my aunt and it was nice. I felt loved and cared for. When mom brought me back home, she gathered all of the dirty laundry, took out the garbage and cleaned out the cat litter box. That was nearly three weeks ago.

there is so much to say, so many things to tell you. But I must be boring you by now. My meds have been upped, I'm seeing a clinical social worker twice a week and starting this Monday i will be seeing a psychiatrist once a week and he will be managing my medication. I'm going to try to find a support group for people with phobias and OCD that i can go to often. I still sleep nearly all of the time, only waking to take a sip of ensure and go to the bathroom. Terry has been doing everything these last few months. I know it is hard on him. He had no idea how bad i was, and this all kind of hit him hard. I think he understands me better now, and hes trying to help as much as he can. Talula goes to school twice a week so that is a nice break for us. My mom has been so supportive. I feel most comfortable with her right now. she is like a different kind of medicine for me. she goes to every appointment with me, takes me grocery shopping and comes and snuggles in bed with me. she drives me everywhere, because i cant drive while taking the meds i take. I know that this is a huge burden for her because she is still taking care of my dad, but she does it all with such grace. I'm currently not making any income and that adds to the stress. I think work is what i worry about the most. so many of my fears and phobias play into being at work. I miss my co workers like none other. They are my family.

I have a long but hopeful road ahead of me. I have a childhood that needs sorting out, i have scars from a broken relationship with my dad, whom i love so very much, a brother that i miss on a daily basis, the grief of my grandfathers passing, the pregnancy that was unplanned with someone i barely knew and ended up failing me and my daughter in the end, friendships that are torn, the auto immune disease that makes me feel ugly, the husband that loves me thru and thru but that i just cannot accept....how can someone love me? I'm so broken? so this is the truth. Just the tip of the iceberg. You may see me smiling but its a lie. I hope that soon it will be the truth.


I love you all.