In Time

Scary faces, 7/16/12

So much time has passed. I feel like I have so much to say. I look at my last blog and I wish I hadn't written it. Too much? I don't know. These days I hold back. I stay away. I close myself off to opportunities. I'm afraid. I fear that I will be looked down upon, judged on my appearance, called ugly, fat, disgusting behind my back. I do all of my shopping after dark. I do my exercise after dark. I do laundry after dark. I don't even want to run into my neighbors. I don't know why I feel this way. I just know that I used to like what I saw in the mirror. I liked to be in pictures. I liked dressing up and going places. I am not that person right now. A year of constant medication changes, crippling anxiety, and all this weight is on me. I don't know this person I have become. In February after my hospitalization, I was feeling better about life. Confidant, ready to change. I was going to start running again. I was excited. I sprained my ankle and I was out of the game. I only thought it would take a few weeks to heal. It's been almost six months. Now I am so behind that I feel its too late. My rational mind says otherwise. My rational mind knows its not too late, it never is. My rational mind KNOWS I can do it. I've done it before. 65lbs in six months. I think of that and get down on myself. I could be there right now! All of that other stuff doesn't matter. This is my focus now. Not just to loose weight but be confident. Something I have NEVER been. I want to walk tall, take compliments by saying " thank you," and feel good in my skin. Talula says I'm beautiful. If only everyone would tell me that! So far she's the only one. I love my daughter to the ends of the earth, that will never change, but it's really hard to love anyone else when you have no love for yourself. You don't appreciate yourself. So, in time, I will get there. I will jog at night, and hopefully emerge victorious when the sunrises again.