Ive wanted to to tell you something...anything, but i couldn't. I was embarrassed, ashamed, in denial, and sleeping nearly 20 hours a day. If you have asked me how i was, or if they found out what was wrong with me, i probably lied to you. I probably said " Not sure, still working on it" or " I have extreme fatigue" but it is all a LIE. I mean c'mon, what working mother doesn't have extreme fatigue? We're always tired! I can hear you say to yourself, " I wish i could take three months off work to take naps all day long..." I don't know what else to say to you anymore. I don't like thinking about what you might be "thinking" about me. So...here is my update, my official diagnosis. The REAL deal. My mom probably wont like that I've posted this, and neither will my husband. They will say, its nobodys business. And thats true, except...i guess i have come to terms with this "issue" and feel like maybe if i share, others wont be so ashamed to come forward and share their story.
It was such a beautiful day. Sunny but not too hot, blue sky, slight breeze. Terry and I both had the day off, a miracle in it's self. We decided to take Talula to Eagle creek and let her play in the water. There weren't too many people there, and T was having a blast throwing rocks. she met another little girl and made a friend. I was taking pictures, Terry was trying to teach talula how to skip rocks. A perfect day with my family. And then it hit me, a wave of heat and nausea. I felt my knees going weak. Those of you who know me well know that i very rarely share symptoms with people if I'm feeling ill because i believe that adds power to the illness. I said nothing to Terry except that i was ready to go. We got to the car and i just sat there in the seat, trying to talk myself out of whatever was going on. I drank some water, checked facebook, i was trying to change the subject. We were supposed to go up to crown point and go check out the fire damage at the Viewpoint inn. I Told him i was ready to go home. By this point i was having troubles breathing, i thought my heart would explode, and i was shaking. I closed my eyes and wondered if i was dying. by the time we got to hood river, i felt worse. I told terry to take me to the hospital. I couldn't explain what was happening to me to him and it was frustrating him. I had him call my mom. They did all kinds of tests. Took blood and did an EKG. At the time they figured something was wrong with my heart. My BPM was 145. What i didn't know, and wouldn't know for a few weeks, is that my entire life, 28 years of unresolved anger, sadness, grief, and stress had shot down from the universe and took the energy right out of me. Right there at Eagle Creek on that beautiful July day. A breakdown.
On August 9th I met Dr. Laura for the first time. she was like a goddess, a beam of light at the end of a very dark tunnel. I sat in her office shaking and full of nerves. she was gentle as could be and ordered more blood tests, took a full family history, had me fill out some questionnaires, and just spent time with me. she was the one. The one that would figure it out. A week or two later i went back to see her again. she told me, " Your echo cardiogram was normal, you have a beautiful heart. Its perfect. All your labs came back looking good. Glucose is great, insulin is great, cholesterol is great, liver is great, iron is great..." I could not believe it. It must be wrong. I told my mom at one point that i felt like i was dying. Literally. When cancer patients are at the end of their life, the lose their appetite, they sleep all of the time, they are weak... I must be dying, right? Wrong. What Dr. Laura said next nearly brought me to the floor. " I went over your family history, and i looked over your questionnaire. You scored higher for depression and anxiety disorder than i have ever seen with any other patient. I'm surprised you're even as functional as you are. " she prescribed me a cocktail of meds and sent me on my way, with a follow up in a week. In the meantime i was to stay off work and try to get into a psychiatrist. One of the meds made me feel extremely nauseous and i couldn't eat. The crappy thing about that was i was starting to feel better. I could think more clearly, say what i wanted to say, stay calm. They changed my meds after only a week on the first one. I started to feel more anxious, kind of crazy.Then, something else happened that led to a new discovery. Talula got sick. Puke sick.
Ive always had this thing with puking and germs but it was pretty mild. In December Talula got the stomach flu and i was by her side the whole time. Holding the bowl for her to puke in, bathing her, cleaning up. I took all my supplements that i needed to take and washed my hands and sanitized everything. Two days later I was sick. How did this happen? I should have been able to prevent this? Ever since then Ive become extremely obsessed with being germ free. I was keeping talula away from other kids for fear of getting sick. I would immediately stick her in the tub as soon as she got home from day care and wipe her face with those sanitizing handy wipes. I sanitized everything all of the time. In February we both got sick AGAIN. But this time my co workers were sick and so was my dad. I felt trapped. I had no where safe to go. I started carrying a thermometer everywhere. I had one in my purse, on at home and one in my work apron. Now its August, and Talula is sick. I try to remember if i had shared anything with her in the past two days, gave her kisses on the mouth. I stopped eating. I drank only water and bentonite. I took my temperature so often that i developed a sore under my tongue. I locked myself in my room and didn't see my daughter or husband for a week. I realized at one point i had some severe phobias and OCD. I confirmed this with Dr. Laura at my next appointment. I had lost weight. it was not good. I confessed to my mom and my husband my fears about being sick. I had never said anything to anyone about this before now. I called my best friend melissa in the middle of the night bawling because i was literally losing my mind thinking i was sick. I was at the bottom. I needed to be pulled out of here but everywhere i looked there were germs. My mom finally came to the rescue.
My aunt had been in town for a month working on the Dollar lake fire and i hadn't seen her at all. she was staying at my parents five minutes away. My mom called and told me my aunt was leaving the next day and i should come over. It was 8pm, but my mom said she would come get me. I hadn't brushed my hair in a week and had no idea where my hairbrush was. Talula had gotten her sponge bob blanket out of the dirty laundry which she had puked all over and wrapped it around her. I tossed her in the tub and tried to find a brush. Mom got there and i was crying. I needed to brush my hair and T needed a bath. I went to see my aunt and it was nice. I felt loved and cared for. When mom brought me back home, she gathered all of the dirty laundry, took out the garbage and cleaned out the cat litter box. That was nearly three weeks ago.
there is so much to say, so many things to tell you. But I must be boring you by now. My meds have been upped, I'm seeing a clinical social worker twice a week and starting this Monday i will be seeing a psychiatrist once a week and he will be managing my medication. I'm going to try to find a support group for people with phobias and OCD that i can go to often. I still sleep nearly all of the time, only waking to take a sip of ensure and go to the bathroom. Terry has been doing everything these last few months. I know it is hard on him. He had no idea how bad i was, and this all kind of hit him hard. I think he understands me better now, and hes trying to help as much as he can. Talula goes to school twice a week so that is a nice break for us. My mom has been so supportive. I feel most comfortable with her right now. she is like a different kind of medicine for me. she goes to every appointment with me, takes me grocery shopping and comes and snuggles in bed with me. she drives me everywhere, because i cant drive while taking the meds i take. I know that this is a huge burden for her because she is still taking care of my dad, but she does it all with such grace. I'm currently not making any income and that adds to the stress. I think work is what i worry about the most. so many of my fears and phobias play into being at work. I miss my co workers like none other. They are my family.
I have a long but hopeful road ahead of me. I have a childhood that needs sorting out, i have scars from a broken relationship with my dad, whom i love so very much, a brother that i miss on a daily basis, the grief of my grandfathers passing, the pregnancy that was unplanned with someone i barely knew and ended up failing me and my daughter in the end, friendships that are torn, the auto immune disease that makes me feel ugly, the husband that loves me thru and thru but that i just cannot accept....how can someone love me? I'm so broken? so this is the truth. Just the tip of the iceberg. You may see me smiling but its a lie. I hope that soon it will be the truth.
I love you all.
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