The Truth Starting Now

Ive been awake for about three hours. Its wednesday. I had a fairly decent night of sleep but i feel so tired still. I've had my morning Rx "cocktail" and am hoping it kicks in soon. A lot of nerves this morning.  I have one snoring baby laying next to me and two kitty babys at my feet. They have gone on a hunger strike recently and keep giving me guilt trips. We bought a little bag of a different kind of cat food to hold us over until we could get their regular stuff, and now they wont eat their regular food. silly kitties. This is probably a good thing for my twenty pound cat...

Monday was my first day visiting my psychiatrist. My brother drove me in. He's buddy buddy with everyone there...our whole family goes to see him so he knows a lot of my family history already. He looks like Mathew Broderick. Distracting. I filled out a ton of paperwork. It was like taking the SAT's. There were questions i couldn't even answer and they were questions about me! I Finally finished the paperwork and went on to meet my Dr. Very nice. Wore a pink shirt.  I like him. I basically did all of the talking. I expected him to ask more questions but he mostly just listened. He's concerned about my sleep. After he said that he turned around and said "Don't worry about your sleep." Uh...What? He told me that (in my case) sleep should not be looked at as a treasure of something that I MUST have...just sleep when I'm tired. He also told me that being awake is nothing to be afraid of. I shouldn't be telling my self, " It's one o'clock in the morning i NEED to sleep!" He said if i cant sleep then its no biggie. Don't lie in bed awake for more than half an hour. After that get up and do something different. When I'm tired, go to sleep... I'm keeping a sleeping log now. And I'm actually going to be seeing my psychiatrist twice a week instead of once a week. He prescribed a new med. Yay. I have a really hard time keeping them all straight. I have to write on the bottles what they are used for and when I should be taking them. I get confused and out of sorts very easy. I'm also really clumsy. Tipsy drunk clumsy. Falling over, leaning to one side, losing my balance and running into things. I may need to be prescribed a helmet. 

After the appointment my brother took me to lunch. it was nice to just sit and be with him because it doesn't happen very often anymore. He took me to Dairy Queen and bought me a blizzard :) Yum. And then we decided to drive the historic highway and listen to music and look at the waterfalls. We had a great conversation and over all it was a good day. 

Tuesday My mom came over a little early to pick me up for my appointments. Terry and I had had a nice short talk before she got there. He told me he really misses the old me. The one who smiled and was outgoing and funny. He said he didn't get to know that person very long. It was hard to hear but also nice to know that he cares so much. When Talula was born Terry and I had only been together 4 months. We moved in and LIFE happened. It happened a lot and ferociously. The real world. I was a mom now. Not just to my newborn daughter but to five other children that were old enough to form their own opinions about things. I thank God everyday that i ended up with a man with lovely kids. I love them all and now I have a grandson to add to the mix. Wow. LIFE.

Mom and I went to betty's and got a quick brunch and then headed off to my therapist. The focus of this meeting was changing my mind set. My mind set is that i tend to imagine what other people are thinking about me. Its never good things that they are thinking, its always something bad. I'm not sure why I'm like this but i am constantly trying to figure out where i stand with people. What they think of me. It brings a lot of anxiety on. HUGE. Michael (my therapist) said that i needed to write on paper over and over that i don't care what other people are thinking of me. When i see someone and those feelings start to come up, wondering if they are mad at me, or hate me so on and so on, i can change my mindset to " I don't care what they think about me."  He also asked me to come up with an image to go with this  new mind set. Something that i could imagine and have a wave of calm come over me. He asked me where i would be and i instantly said Greece. He told me to write out a scene that i could visualize when these feelings arise. 

I sit at the end of a dock and listen to the nighttime sounds. I mostly hear the ocean and a few chatterings from the small village on the cliffside of the island. The village is still lit with the tender light of those few still awake. The moon is full and lights up the sea and the surrounding hills. A light breeze is at my face. I lay down and look up at the stars. I am in awe of this universe. I can still hear the ocean. I can hear the far away rush of waves and the gentle lapping beneath the dock. Peace washes over me. 

cryer. I'm ugly. I cant talk and the more i do the more i cry.... He asked me to rate people in my life that i don't want to cry in front of. 1 was i didn't care that i cried in front of them and 10 was that i absolutely did everything in my power not to cry in front of them.

10) Anywhere at work

9) My dad

7) My brother

5) My very close friends. 

3) My mom

1) Terry

My poor husband sees me cry A LOT! 

Michael asked me not to hold back these feelings. Crying is very therapeutic and cleansing. Don't hold it back. If i feel like crying, then i shall. 

We also talked about meditation and some of the spirituality that i want to bring into my life. He suggested a hermitage in white salmon. I could meet with the monks and talk to them, ask questions, practice meditation. Exactly what i want. 

Time with Michael was running short and it was off to my appointment with Dr. Laura. This appointment was to assess my migraines and see if they were true migraines or cluster headaches. Turns out they are true migraines. she prescribed Imotrex but there is a risk of serotonin syndrome because of the anti depressants i am taking. Bummer. Dr. Laura released me into my psychiatrists care and said she didn't need to see me for a while. a couple months. Panic washed over me. she has been my beacon. I NEED to see her. I told her this and she said with a smile, "I'll see you in two weeks." Love her. 

Mom and I went to rosauers to have some more paperwork filled out and faxed off. I hadn't been in there forever. I got at least 5 super long hugs. The kind of hugs that are emotional, a genuine sharing of love. Not just a hug. People told me they loved me and missed me. Wow. 

Mom took me back to her house. I wanted to see my dad and brother. Jerry was gone at a friends house but my dad was there. He hugged me. For a long time. so tight like he didn't want to let go. I was happy.  Talula ran around for awhile and played with her toys. Dad got up at one point and said he was going to go sit on the front porch. I asked if i could join him. He poured himself a cup of tea and we went outside. We shared the tea and just sat and talked. Sharing something with someone can be so therapeutic. Whether its tea, or food, or stories, kisses, hugs, touches, holding hands-you are sharing love with that person. 

Mom and dad had gone to the outlet mall in troutdale the day before. My dad bought me socks. My favorite brand. They were funky and had Halloween stuff on them. Black cats and skulls and pumpkins :) so sweet. 

Wednesday did not start out great. I got caught up writing and didn't have Talula ready in time to go to school. Everything was rushed and panic washed over me. Not good. After Terry and Talula got out the door I broke down. My friend Melin was going to come up and see me, she offered to clean my house. I told her today was not a great day to come up. I called my mom hoping she was home. They were in hood river doing tests on my dad. I was so sad and lonely.I called my friend melissa and talked to her for awhile. I was feeling sick. I loaded up on my meds and went to bed. I stayed there all day. I woke up, ate some cheese and crackers, took a shower, Loaded up on more meds and went back to sleep. But only for two hours. 

Thursday begins....

Love you all.