This last week has been a lot of things. Emotional, tiring, difficult, happy, sad, and eye-opening. Everyday is still a struggle. A struggle to live, to eat, to bring myself back to normal, whatever that means. I live moment by moment. I guess i could say that this was the week that i feel I've made three steps forward and only two back, instead of two steps forward and three back.
PAIN
New things come to light everyday, and one of the issues that i realized i was dealing with was self mutilation. I'm not a severe case, i don't do it for attention, and I'm not trying to kill myself. It is a way to ease other pains. Its a release. The other night i ended up going too far and freaked myself out so bad that i was thrown into a panic attack. I called my mom and she came to help me. I was so ashamed. It was like i caught myself doing it and realized, "What the hell am i doing?!" I'm working on this, and have talked to my therapist and my psychiatrist. Another hurdle.
JOY
The other day when mom and i were out going to appointments and running errands, we stopped by PetCo to show T all of the animals. We ended up falling in love with two kitties there. The next day we went out to Home at Last to meet with the kitties one on one. One of the cats ended up being a fighter, and we fell in love with a black and white kitten named "Chris" instead. His name is now Jimmy after my grandfather. Jimmy was born on my grandpas birthday. Not only was this a great day for my family because we adopted a new pet, but it was an overwhelming experience for me. I walked away from there bursting with joy. I held and cuddled EVERY SINGLE ONE of those cats and had a perma-grin the whole time. Best therapy i had had ever. I was high. On cats. <3 The people at home at last said I could come back and hang out whenever i wanted. I'm going tomorrow :)
CONNECTION
I love my dad. But we rarely hang out just he and I. We used to, but not any more. I really wanted to reconnect with him and get to know him better. I invited him over to my house, lit some candles and made the house all cozy. T was sleeping so we got to talk just one on one. It was hard at first to find things to talk about. I showed him some of our antiques, talked to him about herbal medicine and how much it means to me. I hate being on prescriptions. I feel like I'm poisoning my body. He was here for two hours and i was immensely happy. I felt warm and peaceful after he left. I look forward to our next "date."
TEST
On Terry's last day off, I told him i wanted to go to Portland and see how much I could take. I need to start thinking about going back to work and building up my stamina. We went to the outlet mall and walked the entire thing. I was doing ok until we ran into a crowd of people. I had to take a xanex. Then we drove downtown to an antique shop and ended up at the Portland flea market. I was starting to get hungry and anxious and so this was a rushed stop. We got to the Clackamas mall and ate. I took another xanex and some excederine because i was starting to get a headache. The caffeine in the excederine gave me a burst of energy and i was able to make it thru the whole mall. The crowds were bothering me and if Terry left my side id start to freak. I'm so thankful he was there to watch over me and keep me calm. I did it. A 12 hour day. I was beat and crawled right into bed when i got home.
REPAIR
I have had a strong urge to reach out to people. People that i haven't talked to in a long time. Maybe there was a misunderstanding or some hurt. One of the people that i really want to reach out to is Talula's biological grandpa. From the beginning he never really wanted anything to do with us. For three years he has never once reached out to us. I have a feeling that it has a lot to do with what T's biological dad was telling him. But I don't know this for sure...so I want to sort it out. Ive been feeling lately that he and his wife have wanted to be a part of T's life but there is a lot of hurt on my part that needs healing. We're getting together Saturday and I couldn't be more excited. I think good things will come from this.
THANKFUL
This morning as i was going thru our mail i found a letter from my union. Inside was a check for my disability that i have been waiting on. I broke down in tears. My husband cried with me. I've had nothing for months and have been strongly relying on my parents to help us out, which they have been doing happily, knowing that we had no choice. Groceries and doctors bills, my parents have had to fork it over for that stuff. I feel guilty. I went to my therapy meeting and did some hypno-therapy. I came out of it feeling peaceful and happy. I then went to visit my twins, I love them both so much and they made my day. Melin cut my hair and offered to feed us. I loved being surrounded by them and their genuine love for me. I then went grocery shopping because i had MONEY! FINALLY! I bought a bouquet of flowers and some chocolate to take to my family. I drove up to my parents and before i went in I stuffed 5 $100 bills into the bouquet. I gave the flowers to my mom and and told her thank you for everything. She didn't notice the money. I sat in the living room with my brother and dad while my mom went into the kitchen and put the flowers in a vase. I heard her yell my name but i didn't respond. She came out into the living room in tears and hugged me. We both cried. I told her i wished i could do more and how thankful i am for everything they have done for me. We all sat in the living room and talked for about an hour. I love my family so much.
I lot more happened than this...this is mostly the good and happy things. It's what I'm trying to focus on. I have a long way to go still and am thankful for everyones support.
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